everything I didn't say

four

As I'm finishing my assignment for my creative writing class, I stretch my arms out. I've been working for two hours now and yet, my page is only halfway filled. This topic stumps me, I don't find any inspiration on what to write about.

To be yourself or to be another?

I don't want to be myself. I don't want to have to go through the shitty routine of remembering all the things that have happened to me and remember all of the things, the great things that could happen to me, but don't. 

But I don't want to be anyone else. I don't want to live their struggles and endure their pains, even if it appears they have none, they do. I wouldn't want to live in the depths and mind of anyone else for one minute.

"Julie!" I call into the apartment.

She hurries inside. "What?"

"To be yourself or to be another?" I ask.

"Huh?"

I repeat myself and she starts to think about it.

"To be myself."

"Why, though?"

"Because, I'm happy, I shouldn't want to change that. And besides, you can't be anyone else. You can't and you never will be able to, so wishing on something that can't and will not ever happen is stupid."

"Thank you, that actually helped me." I smile. 

"Is it an assignment for an english class?" She asks. "Yes."

"Alright, let's hear yours. To be yourself or to be another?"

"Neither. I don't want to be myself, I hate being reminded of the things I've done or that were done to me. I hate going everyday waiting for something big, something good to happen, and waiting around while nothing does. But I would never want to be anyone else, I'd never want inside the mind of another person, inside the feelings and likes and dislikes. I wouldn't want to endure anyone else's struggles or afflictions, only my own."

"I don't see why you asked for my help, you already had a delicacy stormed up." She laughs and leaves the room. I think about it and I do like my thoughts, so I write them down exactly as I said them. Hopefully they will get me a good impression on my professor.

-

In class, we get assigned our newest topic, why do things happen the way they do?

I think if he wants us to write about a superior power making plans for us and making things happen they way they do. 'Everything happens for a reason' pops in my mind. That's a load.

He instructs that this assignment is not due until Friday, as he wants to be longer, neater, more powerful. It is our only written assignment this week, so he expects ten times more from us.

Great.

By the time it's Wednesday night, I still haven't touched my notebook. I need to get started if I'm expected to write a powerful piece due Friday.

I walk to Julie's door and knock, she doesn't answer. I open it, she isn't there. I check the kitchen and living room, nothing. 

I should make new friends, I know nobody at this campus.

I take a quick shower and head into the kitchen. I need to go shopping and get more food soon, we don't have too much. I decide on a frozen pizza and put it in the oven.

I turn the living room tv on One Tree Hill and wait for my dinner to cook. When it finishes, I eat on the couch, watching a bit of the tv. I study the plot and how if it weren't for each individual character, the plot would not and could not happen. I put the pizza in a ziplock bag and set it on a shelf in the fridge. I turn the tv off and lock the door.