everything I didn't say

twenty

We sit on the floor, side by side, as he talks.

"I'm not mad. I get it, you didn't love her, so you left, just like anyone would." I speak up.

"Thank you." He smiles. 

"But what about me?" I turn and ask him. He gives me a questionable look. He doesn't get what I'm asking. I don't either but I let my mind do the talking for me. "Where do I fit into this? Would I just be here until you get bored and leave like you did with Julie?"

He stares at the floor for a minute, I count the seconds. After too long of a silence, he speaks.

"I mean, I wouldn't, no. But we're not even in a relationship or anything, so I don't get why you keep thinking like that." He shrugs.

Of course. He has no plans on this furthering. My face reddens, I feel the heat rising. I look away and try not to look damaged by his words.

"Is that how you feel about me?" He asks me. I don't answer, I just shake my head.

"Leah.." He rubs his fingers along my arms, making goosebumps rise along my skin.

"No, I'm sorry. I thought you actually cared about me or something." I stand and move over to the mirror, making sure I look okay from all the stress and argueing.

"I do, I care about you a lot."

"Great way of showing it." I snort.

"Tell me how you feel. Please." 

"I like you, a lot, really." I roll my eyes. Why I'm even saying this right is beyond me. 

"You know I like you a ton, don't you?" He sets his hand gently on my cheek, carressing it gently with his thumb.

"You do?" I look over at him and I see his bright blue eyes. Bright blue eyes that I wish I saw more often. Bright blue eyes that make me look away from the boy sitting next to me. 

"Yes." He answers simply but I still look away. "I have since the first night I stayed at your house. When Julie stomped in demanding I left and you didn't throw me out, and you didn't leave with her afterwards. I knew at that moment I had started liking you, so much."

"Please look at me." He says and I shake my head.

"Kiss me?" He pleads and again, I shake my head. I want to but I know I shouldn't.

"Go kiss your girlfriend."

"Just sop mentioning her, for once." He cups my cheeks, not giving me much of a time for a reaction. I'm able to close my eyes before I see his face, his beautiful face, so close to mine. I wouldn't have much self control.

"I can't do this." I say truthfully.

He kisses me anyway, my eyes still squeezed shut and my hands wringling to make him let go of me. "Kiss me back." He demands when he releases the kiss for only half a second. He brings his lips back down on mine again, but when I still don't return the kiss, he gives up.

"You're being awfully stubborn." He says, slouching back aganst my bed. He crosses his arms and looks angry at me but he looks cute. 

"I want you to be honest with me, Leah. Just for a second, be completely honest."

I nod, agreeing. I've been nothing but honest. Dishonesty is not something you can list me under trait wise, but I'm very talented in hiding how I feel and things I don't want you to know about. I've learned to hide what is going on in my head from my parents, Luke, my friends, and if I have to, Niall too.

"Where can you see us?" He asks. Happiness thick in his tone, he smiles at me.

"I want to say I can see you in my life for awhile, I love being around you." I decide against telling him that the more I look at him, the more I want to grab his hand and hold it forever, the more I want to lace my fingers through his hair, the more I want to kiss away the frown that appears when we argue or he sees something that upsets him.

That isn't my job though. I'm not the girl who is supposed to have contact with him, or play with his hair until he falls asleep in my lap. I'm not the one who is supposed to look in his eyes and feel nothing but mystery and thoughts of lust.

He isn't mine to keep, to hold, to desire, to be with. I've known this boy for only a month and I want to be with him, and I want to let him in, something I've never really done. I'm willing to open up if he is willing to walk gently around the edges and not step too hard and crush me. I'm ready to tell him this too.

"I want to be here for you, with you, but we need to have a common ground here." He says, breaking my thoughts. Whatever the common ground is, I'm ready to jump into it.

"I'm not level headed when you're around." He stares up at the ceiling and it makes me realize how young he truly looks. He can look so sweet, innocent, and cute yet the next second he is stunning and gorgeous to me. True beauty.

"What makes you say that?" I whisper.

"You're beautiful, and I'm helpless. I want to know you and be apart of you, but you won't let me." If only he knew that I'm internally begging for this.

"I've always let you, you just haven't taken the chance."

"I'm afraid I will run out of chances."

"That's how this works." I whisper and he smiles.

"You're a beautiful mess, Leah." He shakes his head. "A beautiful mess I can't find my way around. I'm stuck."

"I don't understand." I try to say, but he shakes his head more.

"You're right, but you don't have to. It doesn't matter."

He slips into my bed, under the covers. He holds his arms open for me to join him and I stand and flip the lights off. I head to the other side of the bed, entering the held open arms he has extended for me.

I lay my head against his chest, listening to him breathe. I count the beats of his heart while wondering to myself how I went from being so upset with him to collapsing in his arms in under five minutes. I shut my eyes, I don't care anymore.

-

-

I wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. Niall's arm is still securely draped around me and I'm still flat against his chest. He is still asleep and snoring slightly. I'm afraid to wake him, so I don't move. I stare up at the ceiling and minutes pass and Niall's breathing changes slightly and I think he might be waking up. A loud burst of music finally goes off and Niall jerks up, moving me with him as he goes. He either set an alarm or he's receiving a call.

"Hello?" He groggily shouts at his phone, answering the call and my previous assumption.

"It's so early, couldn't you have called later?" He groans. I smile a little.

He stands up and peaks over his shoulder at me. I pretend I wasn't staring and I look away.

"I thought we talked about this already." He sneers into the phone. Who could be calling?

"Samantha, please, drop this." He says and I feel my heart collapse. I turn so my back faces him so he doesn't see or feel my uncomfortable shift. I forgot, and I think my mind thought maybe he did too. That's why he can't be level headed with me, and that's why I can't be with him the way I want to and the way I deserve.

Me and relationships don't go hand in hand, and we never will. I can't take a single step without flinching because a boy tried to ruin and break me. I can't take a single breath without thinking of it, of him, and I can't spend an ounce of hope on finding someone who deserves me and will be good to me. I thought I had, or maybe I was willing to try too.

But this time around in the draw I only found an unloyal, messy, bossy blonde who seems to care about me and my feelings but has someone else already occupying him.

"I already told you all that I have to say, there isn't more to talk about. I'm going now." He groans and must hang up the phone because he doesn't say anything else.

"You okay?" I dare ask when he stands silent. 

"Hmm?" He turns around, seeming to forget that I was in the room with him. 

"Oh, uh, yeah. I'm fine." He shrugs and then crawls back under the covers with me. I'm not tired anymore though, so I leave him lay there and I get up and get ready for the day.