everything I didn't say

thirty two

After a few tears and a bit more sadness, Niall falls asleep. He asked me to lay with him. I think it took some of the hurt away. I did, and when he drifted off, I covered him up and now I'm in the kitchen drinking some tea Denise made.

The more time I spend thinking, the more I think about Samantha.

I don't have much room to be sad, she wasn't my friend, sister, roommate, cousin. She was a stranger to me that I wrongfully disliked. I didn't have a fair reason to except I made myself.

I want to take back the thoughts and words I had towards her, and I wish I could've known she was in town rather than it being a surprise. I could've stayed home. She would've stayed with Niall had I not shown up. She wouldn't have died.

Instead of spending the rest of the night blaming myself for something that I have no control over, I dump out my tea and go to bed in my separate guest room. I don't fall asleep.

At two in the morning, my phone rings. I answer it, and it's Niall asking why I left his bed. I run to his door as fast as my short legs will take me and lay back down with him.

"I just want to enjoy my time with you while it lasts." He whispers before I fall asleep.

I wake up to Greg pushing my shoulder, Niall's as well. "Morning, you two."

I rub my eyes and wave in response, my mouth not working properly this early in the morning.

After a quick shower and throwing on some clothes I packed, we decide to go out for lunch.

Denise stays home with Theo, and in return asks us to bring her home food. Greg chooses the restaurant, a quaint and casual one. I follow behind him with my car, Niall rides with me.

"So, how you doing?" Greg asks when we are seated.

"Good, I guess." Niall shrugs. I ignore the banter for a bit as I study the nervous look on Niall's face. He is hiding something. His hands shake, ever so slightly, on the table.

"So Niall," I start when the brotherly conversation dies down. "Everything okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Something seems odd about you."

"I have to agree." Greg kicks in. Niall shrugs once more, a thing he does often that annoys me. "There is something I need to tell you guys."

Looks are exchanged between his brother and I as we are both equally confused. "Go on."

"I'm going to move back to Ireland."

Greg and I's reactions are completely different.

I nearly spit out my drink, and I begin choking on it. Greg smiles proudly and chuckles.

"For what reason?" He asks his brother.

"Just want to be back home." He shrugs and my choking dies down, neither of the brothers noticing. "Ireland?" I finally croak, much louder than intended.

"Yeah." He says.

"You're leaving California?" He smiles and nods, he seems happy with the choice.

He can't leave, though. He can't leave me here by myself. He can't just go five thousand miles away just like that.

"When are you leaving?" Greg says, despite the trans I've put myself in. I can't form any words in my mouth to tell him to stay, don't leave.

"Not sure, soon hopefully."

Soon? Does he have this planned already? What does this mean for me, him, for us?

I look up from the table and Niall's smile is still as wide as before. He doesn't care that he is leaving me here, he doesn't care that he'll be leaving everything behind.

I stand up from my chair, and leave the restaurant, causing a scene even though that's the last thing I want.

"Leah?" One of them shouts, not sure which one. Footsteps are not behind me and nobody rushes out the door when I get inside my car.

I back out and leave, glad I drove separately. Teardrops hit my hands on the wheel and blur my vision on the short ride back to the house.

I rush inside, a worried Denise watches me as I pack up my things in an aggressive manner.

I do not give her an explanation as I rush around her home, wanting to make sure I don't run into either of the guys.

I finish with my things, and leave without saying a word.

I throw my things in my trunk and get in the car again, wiping all the water from my eyes and calm myself down. It wasn't a maybe I'm gonna go back home, or an I'm thinking about visiting, it was a definite he's moving back. My heart is pounding with pressure and pain and I put the car in drive and leave when I spot a familiar SUV pulling in the driveway.

My phone doesn't ring and I don't receive a text on the drive home. He must know better.

I take in every decision I made since I moved to California this past August. In the end, it's all my fault really. I forgave him for every mistake, gave in to every bad thought I had, fell every time even though he had a girlfriend.

Is that why he is moving back? Because this is his way of coping with the loss of Samantha? I'm the best form of self help he could find if he would let me help him. But instead, he is pushing me so far out. Five thousand miles out.

I'm at my apartment in what feels like forever, and I go upstairs slowly. I've lost a lot of energy and too much emotion has been drained from me recently. I hate boys.

Julie is in her room when I get there, and almost jumps from the bed when I walk in. She sees tears and begins wiping them away before I even tell her hello.

"I don't know what happened, I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I'm here." She shushes me and pulls me in for a hug. I don't mean to, but I pathetically sob into her shoulder. I wail on and on in a tearful voice that he's moving, he's leaving. I don't even know if she knows who he is but I don't stop.

"Niall?" She asks when I regain some self control.

"Yeah." I wipe my eyes with my hand. "He's moving back to Ireland."

"And this surprises you?" She asks me, like she saw it coming this whole time.

"Yeah?" I sniffle at my own stupidity. She could tell and I couldn't that he'd be gone.

Because this was the same thing he did to her.

"He got the best of me, Leah. Please don't let him get the best of you, too."