everything I didn't say

thirty one

I take my seat back in the rows, and see Niall wandering around the back looking for me. I wave my hand in the air until it catches his attention and he heads my way.

I use the back of my hand to wipe under my eye where a single tear has fell. The crying was very unexpected, but death is something that overwhelms most people.

That girl will never take a single breath again. She will never smile, put on a dress, or kiss her boyfriend again. Well, he was her boyfriend, until I came along. 

Niall sits down next to me and puts his hand on my thigh.

"Sam," I start but I'm so shaken I can't even begin to speak. I stop myself again, and take a deep breath. "Samantha died?" I ask. He nods.

"When?"

"Five days ago." He frowns.

"How?" 

"Car accident." 

"What kind?" 

"A drunk driver hit her head on." 

"It wasn't-" 

"No, Leah it wasn't me." 

"Five days ago was the night of your crash." He seems to think for a minute.

"I know. That's why I showed up to your house drunk and angry. That's why everything fell apart." He sniffs. "Oh Niall, I am so sorry." I put my arm around his waist this time, and he leans his head on my shoulder.

The service for the short life of that beautiful girl begins shortly after. I can't help but feel completely awful about everything I did, purposely or mistakingly to her. She was losing her boyfriend to me by the millisecond and I knew what I was doing. She loved him, or so I think, and I did the only thing that I've ever known to do: what I wanted, I took him for myself, and now here we sit. Him needing my comfort at her funeral. I cry, more than once, as her best friend talks about her. Her mom stands at the podium next and I swear I feel her eyes directly at me the whole time she speaks.

"As all of you may know, Samantha was here in California at the time of her death. She has visited here often, to see her boyfriend." I look to Niall and give him a pathetic smile that he doesn't see because he doesn't look up at me.

"We were not allowed to take her body back home, they wouldn't let us fly her overseas to Ireland. So now, she must stay here forever. So far away from me, and the rest of her family. I do appreciate you all flying out to attend tonight, and I know Samantha would too. Especially on the short and abrupt notice of her death and funeral plans." She smiles weakly at all in attendance.

I didn't know all of Samantha's life was in Ireland. I thought maybe some of it was here in California with Niall too. I was very wrong. I can't believe so many people flew in all the way from Ireland just for her funeral and burial. I could only hope to be loved this much by so many one day myself.

I look over at the small boy nearly sitting on me, and he is now looking straight forward. At her coffin most likely. Tears fall down his cheeks and I know how sorry and awful he feels. I truly do. I can see how he thinks this is his fault and I can see how he probably is eating away at himself, gutting apart all the reasons he is a terrible person. Which is completely and utterly wrong.

I look to the front of the room myself and I zone out the crushing words of her mother. All this girl wanted was to fly to California and see, as well as reunite with her boyfriend. She loved him so much to do that, and he didn't seem to love her at all. It makes me feel so awful that it takes her death, her no longer being around, to make him cry, realize what he did to her, miss her. It took her death for her to finally get the love and attention she wanted. 

Now I hate myself for the way I hated her. I hate myself for the nasty thoughts I put into my mind about her just because she had something I didn't. The one thing she wanted to keep, was the thing I was most willing to take from her.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, as if to her. Niall leans up off of me now, and he stands. What is he doing?

He sniffles and looks down to me, nodding his head. He moves past me and out of the aisle, to the front of the church. Samantha's mother passes the podium over to him and I realize he is making a eulogy speech just like the others did. 

He has beads of sweat on his forehead and tears on his cheeks.

He opens up a piece of paper, already having it prepared. I wonder how late he stayed up writing this and how many times he threw it away before finally sticking with something. 

"Um, hi" he starts and looks to me for encouragement. I give it to him. 

"Most of you do know me, I think." He clears his throat.

"I was Samantha's boyfriend for awhile, and I didn't know she was coming out to visit me." He shakes his head and looks down at his paper. He is nervous.

"She was so," he starts tearing up which breaks my heart. "amazing." And by this time, he is wiping his eyes and losing his composure. I rise from my seat once more, and start walking towards him. He notices me coming but doesn't move or try to get me to sit which I'm thankful for.

I reach his side and grab his paper, deciding to read it for him. 

"Samantha was the type of person who was beautiful on the inside and out. She was everything I didn't deserve and my words can't even give anyone a single ounce of how wonderful she truly was." Niall puts his hand on my back.

"She was always there for someone if they needed it, always talking, always sweet, and always positive. Her story was cut short due to irresponsible driving on a strangers behalf, and that is one of the most unfair things to ever have done to you." I look up, catching the eye of the mother in the front row.

"The last time I saw Samantha is etched into my mind, and it was one of the few times we ever argued. Of course we had to leave things with a bad moment, and that will be the last thing I remember about her." 

"The last thing I will remember is the sound of her heels as she walked away from me and the look on her face after we fought. But I will always have her beautiful smile and mind, as well as all the memories I share with her."

I keep reading even though it's hard to talk and think completely straight. The page goes on for a few more paragraphs, of sweet, sweet words from Niall. Everything this girl deserved to hear when she was walking, talking, breathing. 

I close the eulogy with his last words to her, "Shine brighter up there than you did down here."

"Thanks for your help back there." Niall says, finally, after a deafening silence in the car. He didn't speak the whole way home and now we are seated on Greg's couch, and he finally said something. I feel like a thousands knives were just pulled out of my chest.

"You don't have to thank me."

"Yes I do, so thank you." He says. I smile at him and move closer towards him on the couch. My efforts must be visible, because he pulls me into his chest until I'm leaning there on him.

"It meant a lot to me. I realize I put you in an awful situation back there, and I'm shitty for doing that. I just really didn't want to go to that alone." He says to the top of my head.

"It wasn't shitty of you. I'm glad you know that you never have to face anything alone." His hands runs lightly through my hair, and mine moves up to his chest.

"So what do you think?" He asks.

"About what?" I peer up to him.

"About Samantha. I know you didn't know her or anything, but what do you think?"

"I don't really know what to think." I admit. "I'm completely shocked. She didn't deserve to die, especially not so young. I feel so awful about the whole thing, and I know that this was preventable."

He runs his hands again through my hair and stays silent momentarily. "But what do you think about it?

"I miss her." I think he is getting choked up again, so I sit up and wrap my arms around him in my best form of comfort.

"I think your eulogy was beautiful." I tell him and he nods. "Thanks."