everything I didn't say

nineteen

"Why?" I jolt. I hear a loud noise, probably coming from the apartment upstairs but Julie turns around. She turns back. 

She leads me back to the couch and I sit on the opposite end of her. 

"Niall and I dated a few years back, for a pretty long time, actually." 

Of course. This all revolves around her. Everything always comes back to her somehow.

"I really, really loved him Leah." She weakly says and I almost want to yell at her, reminding her she is in a relationship with someone else. But I don't.

"He ended up breaking up with me," she pauses and looks to the ground. " and he just left." She sounds hurt, but I don't even feel bad for her. Not even close.

"I know. I've heard this story." I roll my eyes out of anger.

"You knew?"

"Not that it was you, Julie. God, of all people."

"I lost my virginity to him, and I was seriously so in love with him." She looks at me. I sit up from the couch. This is crazy, too much. I begin to walk out of the living room. 

"Why are you telling me this?" I scream back at her before I run out. "Why now? Why did you have to wait so fucking long?" She doesn't answer, just looks at me.

"Leah, stop!" Julie pleads but I make my way into the hallway and run straight into something on my way out. I look up at whatever's in my way. It's not a something, it's a someone.

"Of course you're here right now." I seethe through my teeth.

"Stop." His irish accent rings as he tries to grab my arm while rustling past him.

"No!" I scream. I stomp my foot on the ground and turn, facing the both of them.

"No." I repeat, calmer. "I don't want to do this, okay. I'm done with all the secrets and being lied to."

"I never lied to you, Leah." Julie says, moving forward towards Niall. 

"Yes you did."

I would practically beg them to leave me alone right now, honestly. I just want to get away from the two of them and think to myself, though that seems impossible. Each second I spend standing, Niall moves that much closer. Julie's staying completely frozen.

"How the hell did you even get here?" I jerk my arm when he reaches for it. Inches away from slapping him, he puts his hands up in defense. "Julie called me a little bit ago and asked me for help with this."

"Stop talking." I put my hands up to my temples and try to rub away this banging and thrashing inside my mind. I process it for just a moment. I was seriously so in love with him, I lost my virginity to him. 

"I didn't love her the way I wanted to." He tries to explain, reaching for me again, but Julie flutters her eyes closed in the background. 

"I already heard your whole story about not loving her Niall, I don't need you to repeat it for me." I want to snap. I felt like finally, I was opening up to someone, to something new. It always bounces back and kills me in the end.

"Don't try to act like you know because I told you a filtered version of the story." He looks at me and I stomp my foot again. "Stop!" I scream. "Just go. I don't want to be around you."

"Leah, you're not letting me explain." He puts his hands over mine, bringing them down from my temples. "I've heard enough explaining." I whimper.

He is calm. The calm before the storm and I brace myself for whatever is coming.

"I knew she loved me, but she thought I loved her. I, I didn't. I couldn't and I didn't want to."

"Then why did you have sex with her?" I cough.

"Because the opportunity was there. I was a stupid teenager and I took something that wasn't meant for me. I've apologized time and time again, I really have." 

I look to my roommate for some solace, but I find none. I find fiery eyes and a trembling hand that makes me think I'm not the most angry in the room. Niall's eyes follow mine, engaging Julie into the conversation. "I told you, Leah. I tried to get you to stay away from him, he'll hurt you like he hurt me." She says. I'm tangled up in this, this is why Julie hates him so much. This is the mysterious bad blood between them. This is why she didn't want me around him. They have a history I can't compete with but I know that there would be no going back for them. The hatred seems too strong and the interest seems too weak.

"It's not your choice to decide!" I yell. I'm sick to death of everyone thinking I need their help or their guidance. I don't need anything for anyone. I need myself and a safe place but I sure can't find one in this shit hole of an apartment or the shit hole of a school I'm enrolled in.

"I was trying to help."

I actually love school. I love my classes, and my major, and learning new things. I love this apartment. It's the perfect size and it's comforting coming home to versus a jam packed dorm room. It's the people, and all the drama, that's making me hate this place. They're whats ruining this for me. I can't let anything ruin this for me. I don't deserve this.

"I'm going to my room." I say to them. I cared about the both of them a ton, and now I'll never know how much they cared, or didn't care, about me. I'm glad nobody tries to stop me as I walk to my door, although another part of me wishes someone would have, so I could let my anger out in a productive way. Sitting on my bed or on my floor isn't going to help me at all.

I shut my door behind me, and the arguing outside begins. I wonder if they know I can hear them, I'm just too angry to listen enough to make out what they're saying.

I go over to my bed, and slide down on the floor right beside it. I don't cry, I don't hit my fists on the floor, I don't wonder what it was I did wrong in this mess, I stare at the wall.

The screaming outside my door gets louder the longer it goes on. I finally listen.

"This one is all on you, Niall. It's your fault." Julie spits.

"My fault? You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I told you to stay away from her. She was the one thing in my life that didn't reflect back on you and you went and took her away from me too."

"If I remember correctly, we met through you."

"Like I knew you would fuck with her emotions?"

"I'm not fucking with her emotions, Julie. I actually do care about her."

"Is that why you make her wait around for you until you break up with your precious little girlfriend? Is that why you never tell her the damn truth?" She screeches.

"You don't know anything about us." He defends 'us'.

"I know enough." She sneers.

"She is nothing like we were. She is nothing like Samantha and she is nothing but good in my life. Why are you trying to fuck this up for me?"

"Fuck! Leave, or I swear to god I'll-"

"You'll what? You won't do shit." I hear his loud sneakers hitting the floor. He must be leaving.

"Don't even go back there." Julie shouts and the footsteps are getting louder. I don't even realize that back there means my room. I jump up to lock my door but I'm too late. Niall bursts through the doorway, shutting the door forcefully with a lock before Julie can get in.

"Get out." I weakly whisper but it's loud enough that he tilts his head.

"Don't throw me out, please listen to me." He begs. He towers over top of me, I feel so small right now. So fragile and easy to break. "You have five minutes." I tell him.

"Fair enough."