everything I didn't say

fourteen

#1 Personal Statement 

Everyone has different things to be passionate about. 

Sports, reading, writing, singing, acting, dancing, traveling. 

I'm passionate over many things. I'd be lost without something to read and a pen and paper to write with when I'm stressed. But I'm most passionate about a someone, not a something. 

I'm trying my hardest not to sound cliche. I really am. 

But there's just something about this girl that makes my head spin. She is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, and I'm crazy. Crazy for her, crazy about her. She drives me mad. But I love it so much. I love the up and the downs. I love the way she gives me butterflies in my stomach even after so many days. 

I'm not me when she's not around. She is my better half. 

She makes me feel powerful, confident, even. I love when her face lights up in a smile, and I love even more when I'm the reason that she's smiling. It makes me feel happier, better. I would spend hours and hours upon end just listening to what she says. Everything she says is witty, funny, clever. She doesn't have a care in the world, and that's what drew me to her.

I realize a personal statement is supposed to be specifically about you, but if I didn't have her I'm not sure there would be anything left of me. I would've fallen apart by now.

Short and simple. Not much to it, but I'm completely drawn. Who the hell is she? 

My mind is swirling with possibilities. God, I wish these stupid papers had a date. Maybe I should ask Ali about this mystery girl? Or maybe I should ask Julie why the hell she hid them from me, and ripped them out of the notebook? If I would've gotten in trouble over this, I would've killed her.

I grab out my phone and send Julie a quick message asking when she's off work.

I'm late tonight, took an extra shift. Don't wait up.

I read it and laugh to myself. I set down my phone and exhale a long breath, mentaly preparing for the rest of these papers.

I set the first down and look at the second. Huff a breath. Begin.

#2 Journal Entry

I think I'm going crazy. Insane, maybe. I don't fall this hard and this fast for girls. What is happening to me? I think I'm going crazy because I'm head over heels, I'm always thinking about her, and I'm always with her. I mean always... she's asleep right next to me as I'm writing this now.

She's something special, that's for sure. She doesn't even have to try and everything she does is just so amazing. I've never met a single soul like her. Who knows, maybe I never will again either. I get a feeling in the bit of my stomach when she's near and I feel so anxious when I'm leaving her. Anxious she'll find better, anxious she'll drift away.

I need someone to tell me how I feel is normal. That it's okay to feel this heavily.I need reassurance I'm not losing my mind. That I'll regain stability soon. That these nerves and these thought go away eventually.

I haven't told anyone. My friends don't know, my family doesn't know. Hell, I'm not even sure she actually even knows. She hasn't said exactly how she feels about me. Obviously she likes me though, considering she's dating me. She doesn't give me any signs that she thinks about me and feels about me the way I do her. I'm nervous I'm in too hard.

I hope that this cycle ends. I hope my clear minded self comes back. I never, ever, want to lose her. But I never, ever, want to lose myself. That might be what is happening to me and I'm scared as hell. I love her so much so soon. This is crazy. I'm going crazy.

That's enough of that for now. I set the pages down, not wanting to read the third and fourth pages, maybe I never will. I grab the notebook and carefully realign the pages in the spots where I can only assume they were ripped out of. My head hurts.

I head to the kitchen and down an advil with some water, hoping to dull the pounding throbs I'm feeling in my head. I lean against the counter. My mind is wandering. Wandering around the assumptions of who it was. Maybe I don't know her or haven't met her yet. Maybe it's his girlfriend he's talking about. Maybe someone else in Ireland or back in wherever the fuck California he lives. I put my hand on my forehead. I don't have a fever like I expected, the temperature in the room is rising, not inside me.

I think over the thought of driving down there and asking Niall to tell me about it. 

I check the time. Only a little past four, I could go down there and get back in time. My classes tomorrow don't start until 9:15, I would be fine for a quick trip. 

I don't think anymore about it. I grab my phone and the bottle of water in hand, grabbing my keys on the way and heading out the door. I decide against texting Niall and letting him know I'm on the way. 

An hour later and I'm tapping my knuckles on the frat house's door asking for entrance. A boy I have not seen before opens the door. Blue polo and perfect smile, he grins at me.

"Hey." He says, his voice as nice as his looks.

"Hello." I nod awkwardly. "Is Niall here?"

He nods back. "In his room, do you go to school here?" He points to the ground, Garden Grove property. I shake my head.

"I go to ucla." I am proud of my school and my scholarship and my acceptance there, but I'm rushed. I'm here and antsy to talk to the mysterious boy I've only know for two and a half weeks but leaves me so curious and confused that it gives me nausea.

"I guess that's how you know Niall then." He chuckles. "He's in his room. Do you know where that is?" He asks me and I nod, even though I don't know by memory. I'll just have to look until I find his door. He lets me in. I head for the staircase avoiding all eye contact with any person I happen to see. I scramble up the stairs and into the hallway with all the doors. I search around until I find the one I'm pretty sure is his.

I put my eye to the door to listen. Nothing. I knock anyways.

"Come in." I hear and grab the handle and give it a turn. I'm relieved when I recognize the furniture and the appearance of the room. I step inside.

"Leah?" I hear and turn and see Niall sitting on his bed, laptop in his lap. I look closer and see the girl sitting beside him, her back to me. 

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