everything I didn't say

thirty nine

I go to answer the door after staring at my completely blank page for hours.

"Holy shit, I didn't think you would answer. Hey."

"Niall?" I ask, surprised.

"Yeah, were you expecting someone else?"

"No, this is just so surprising." I stand from my spot and move closer to the doorframe. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry." He says very fast with nervousness in his tone.

"For what?"

"For admitting that I loved you. I know that took a lot for you to hear that and you had every right to react the way you did. I know it was wrong of me to do."

"No, it wasn't." I admit with a sigh.

"You didn't deserve any of this. Nobody does."

"I can't keep putting on this facade for everyone I see that I'm okay when I'm not and I won't be until you're with me again. I'm crazy without you, Leah."

"You were crazy with me." I tell him.

"And I'm going even crazier without you. Listen, I know this sounds insane. But when has anything ever been less than insane for us?"

"What are you saying?"

"Talk to me about this for just one more time."

"What happens when I do?"

"You'll have to come outside with me to see."

"Why outside and not here?"

"The walls are thin as hell and will send our conversation right into every room on this floor. Follow me out."

I debate over my options. I can't deny my own feelings and I too have been putting on a facade. I'm trying not to be the girl, that girl, that let's everything happen to he has been amazing to me with just some major backfires. The worst that can happen has already happened and this will just be fuel to the flame if it goes wrong. But if it does right, it could be the water that minimizes the blaze.

I put on my shoes and a poker face and make my way outside behind Niall. I start to think about where he is staying until he can find a permanent home. I begin to remember his stay isn't permanent, that eventually he'll return back yet again but maybe, just maybe, next time it won't hurt as much.

"How are you?" He asks when we pass the empty and silent pool. "I'm alright, I suppose. You?"

"Awful, actually. If you couldn't already tell."

"You look fine to me."

"On the outside I may look fine but don't let my looks deceive you."

"Can we sit?" I point to the bench beside me and he agrees, so we do.

"Can I ask you something?" He surprises me by saying. I nod.

"What would you have said if I had came back for you, or asked you to join me in Ireland?"

"If I'm being honest, I probably would have said yes. It would have been a stupid decision leaving everything for another country but I would've agreed to it and went."

"No fucking way." I mean it, I really do mean it.

"I honestly would have. I don't know, I feel like it could've worked really well and I might have given it a shot. But I guess we won't know."

He smiles at me and it's almost contagious, I return a small one back.

"Can I ask you something now?" He nods in response.