Someone To Lean On

Strange Looks and Pauses

IT'S CHILLY AT TEN O'CLOCK in the evening, I notice as the wind blows against my face, causing me to shiver slightly at the coldness. I remember it being warmer though. Has the season changed already? No, wait. Maybe it's always been this cold; I don't know, since I've never went out of the apartment much in the evening.

     I put both my hands into my pockets, trying to find warmth from the rather thin clothing I'm wearing. I'm jittery and uncomfortable, rocking back and forth on my heels. I stop after a few times, already tired from doing so. I just want to go back inside; I truly do, but. . .

     "What do you want to talk about?" I say as I cast a glance at the man beside me. The man, Antonio, sighs but he stays quiet.

     Normally, I would be impatient and demand for him to hurry up already. But for tonight, I have the patience. I can wait for what he has to say. To be honest, I don't know what's in his head and dragged me out here if we could just talk about it inside. Maybe for a change of scenery or something, I guess. My hand suddenly twitches, and I purse my lips in embarrassment even if Antonio didn't pay the slightest attention to it. The silence that had enveloped us stretched on for a few or more minutes, and it's deafening. I don't think I've heard silence quite this loud; it's unpleasant, and I don't like it one bit.

     I shiver as the wind blows again, cursing at myself for not wearing warmer clothes.

     "Sorry," Antonio suddenly says, which disrupted the silence that had formed between us. "I just remembered that you don't like the cold much."

     Warmth engulfs my neck, and I look at him in surprise. He just replies: "Don't worry. I'm fine without a scarf, Lovi."

     "Okay."

     He smiles at me before looking away. I did too. It's silent again, and I sigh in frustration. I don't like it when he's not talking at all. Sure, I yell at him to shut his mouth but without his usual chatter, it's not the same. It's making me nervous, though I don't know why. I'm probably just not used to it, I think. I look up at the sky and was disappointed when there's not much stars showing in the sky. The moon isn't even out to somehow lighten up the street. Damn it, just when I'm outside at night for once.

     "I shouldn't have dragged you out here, yeah?" he says.

     "Yeah, I don't know what the hell you've been thinking and decided to drag me out here, Toni."

     "I'm. . . " Antonio begins, but I see him shaking his head in the corner of my eye.

     "Spill it," I blurt out. "What do you want to talk about?"

     It's so brave of me to say that. No, it's not bravery; I don't think it is at all. It's forcing him to talk when he's not ready yet, and it's just me saying things before I could even think about it. I shouldn't have done that. I might've scared him somehow. I shut up and look at the street in front of us, pursing my lips.

     "Do you think there's a reason why my past relationships never worked out?" he finally asks, looking at me. I face him, and I notice the strange look on his face. Has it always been there? "Like, it just doesn't feel right. Yeah, I'm happy with them but there's still something missing. I've always said that I loved them, don't I? Maybe I just thought it was love. I don't think. . ."

     I wait for him to finish what he's about to say.

     "I don't think it was love, Lovino. I mean, romantic love. I've only realized it recently."

     I'm speechless. I couldn't form words inside my head, and I don't think I'm in my right mind to say something. I expect him to say more, pausing as I gaze upon his face that was illuminated by the streetlights. To tell the truth, I don't think I've looked at his face for longer than three seconds, and although I am aware that he's attractive, I'm still quite surprised when I saw his face. Damn, he's so gorgeous. I peel my eyes off of him, inhaling deeply to compose myself and my thoughts.