Someone To Lean On

Familiar Pauses and Rewinds

I THOUGHT I'D GET ACCUSTOMED to the many pauses we've had during our relationship. I was wrong to believe so. There were lots of them, and most were heavy with something that I couldn't place a finger on, and I couldn't take it. I should have been stronger, but I was too weak. It became too much for me to handle. Then, we're here. Inside the bedroom where we'd retire for the night to rest, where we'd sometimes play pillow fight, where we'd sometimes just laze around then stare at each other and laugh at nothing. It's where we created memories; but why had it suddenly also felt too heavy for me?

     I tuck my chin on my arms that hugged my knees, which were pressed up to my chest. It's quiet, but the loud banging against my chest is enough to make me go deaf. The bed I've been sitting on dips as another weight joins me, although he's sitting as far as he could from me. He's sitting far away as if he's avoiding me, as if I'd lash out at him any time, as if he's afraid of me. At the same time, he's sitting near me as if he wants to reach out to me, as if he wants to touch me, as if he's longing for me. It's confusing. I don't complain whether I think he's too far or too near; I just don't see the point in doing so.

     "I'm sorry." Antonio says.

     His words echo throughout the room. They echo throughout my chest and my mind. I want to be mad at him but I can't. I want to scream at him but I can't. I want to leave him right here and never talk to him again, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I'm awfully tired, although I hadn't done much earlier today. I don't understand this. I don't understand myself. I don't understand everything anymore.

     I didn't utter a word, and he seems to accept my silence. I heave a shaky sigh, closing my aching eyes and hoping it would all just vanish, hoping this is all just a terrible dream. Alas, this is reality I'm talking about, and none could ever escape from it.

     "I don't blame you." I say because it isn't his fault after all. I deem that it was bound to happen and that I should just accept it; that we should just accept it so we wouldn't hurt ourselves furthermore.

     "I don't blame you," I repeat, trying to get it in his head. " . . .really. I don't. It wasn't as if you could control it or something. I mean, I understand but at the same time I don't—you getting my point, Toni?"

     I chuckle then I open my eyes to peek at him. I find him already looking at me, his eyes boring into mine. I suddenly feel conscious about myself then, though I don't look away. His eyes speak a million words. His eyes convey his emotions in a lot more ways than a hundred. I wonder if my own conveys emotions too. I feel like bursting from all the emotions; his and mine combined. But I didn't, however. Not yet, I suppose. Then, he averts his eyes from me.

     "I'm sorry, Lovino." He says to me again, and I sigh. I'm about to speak when he cuts me off, his voice unstable. "I thought that was it. I thought it's—I thought I'm able to distinguish whether I'm in love in a romantic way or—or. . .  I'm really sorry, Lovino. I love you though; I really do. I promise I do, but I'm so confused and I'm really wrong and it's just messing with my head and I can't—I can't deal. . .  I don't know, Lovino. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

     He sobs and it hurts me. Watching him cry clenches my heart like something is trying to squeeze all the blood out of it. I want to reach out to him, but it's like something has been weighing me down, and all I could do is just sit there. I'm not submitting to it, however, as I push myself up and scoot closer to him, leaning until my forehead touches his shoulder. It's a way to comfort him somehow. His shoulder shakes as he sobs, and I tolerate it even if it's kind of annoying. I purse my lips, my throat constricting and leaving me almost gasping for air. My eyes start to water, but I blink them away.