✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

9 | you forgot something

9 | you forgot something

this is the best fucking decision

I dream about Axel. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. He manages to be on my mind even when I'm sleeping. I dream about a future with him, and it feels so real to be with him, to curl up in his arms as we watch TV before bed like couples would. But it always ends badly. He either hurts me, or disappears, or dies.

I can't ignore the truth in the fact that if I had chosen to go with him, all of those endings could be possibilities, and I have to face the fact too that, that's what would happen. It would end, one way or another. It just isn't meant to be.

I jolt awake this morning, searching for Axel beside me, even though sleeping next to him is no longer imaginable. I groan and hold myself, letting the tears sink into my pillow and blanket, and try to forget the dream of finding Axel's lifeless body on his tiny apartment's kitchen floor. I'm surprised I'm not screaming when I wake up. I guess I'm used to it.

I snuggle a bit longer, closing my eyes, trying to recall what Axel feels like. I shouldn't be thinking about him like this. I'm letting him go after two years of longing for him. And I just broke up with Dylan, and I owe him as much as being at least a little sad. The truth, though, is that I'm not. I'm glad we broke up. Maybe what I need is to be alone.

I smell coffee in what feels like seconds later, and struggle to get up.

I expect to find Axel in the kitchen, and I do. I don't know what to say, so I smile awkwardly even though his back is facing me, and slide onto a chair at the island.

He turns around when he hears me, and I pick nervously at the skin around my fingernail when he doesn't say anything.

I glance up to find him gazing at me.

"Morning," he says, his voice hoarse, almost a whisper. I want to feel it against my neck.

I nod, and smile. "Hey."

He grins a little, because I'm blushing. "Merry Christmas," he says, bringing his mug of black coffee over and sliding into the chair across from me.

I glance away, smiling sheepishly, "Merry Christmas."

He takes a sip of his coffee. It's too hot, so he makes a face, and sets it back down. "What'd you get me?" he asks. When I glance at him, he smiles jokingly, attempting his coffee again as a distraction.

"Nothing," I grin.

He gasps. "Nothing? Aviana!"

I chuckle, and he laughs at me.

"Did you get my text?"

I nod.

"I'm sorry," he says softly, "I know I said I wouldn't pressure you, but I just want you to know exactly how I feel."