Thin Line

Chapter 9

"Sierra." Justin says to me in English class.

"Sierra." He repeats.

I try not to give in and talk to him.

Sierra, just ignore him.

You need to stay mad at him.

"Sierra, please listen to me." He begs.

I can see the sadness in his bright blue eyes.

A sadness I am causing.

But I cannot give in.

I cannot talk to him.

"Sierra, listen, I know I was wrong, I am sorry." He tells me.

I cannot give in to his begging.

If I do, he will try and talk to me more about whatever he thinks is wrong with me.

"Sierra, I know I was probably getting too personal, I didn't mean to upset you, I really didn't want to upset you." He tells me.

Will he just stop talking?

If he keeps talking for much longer, then I am going to give in and talk to him.

"Sierra, I just want to help you, I didn't mean to hurt you." He tells me.

Luckily the bell rings just in time.

"Sierra, I am sorry, I am so sorry." He tells me, I can see tears forming in his eyes.

"Just leave me alone." I tell him. "I don't care how much you want to help me or whatever. There is nothing I need help with, I don't need to hear about a problem you think I have when there is nothing wrong with me. So, just stay away from me. Please." I beg, tears actually leaving my eyes.

I already hate myself.

And now a new friend is already telling me he thinks I have problems?

I rush to the bathroom.

He probably only ever talked to me because he thought I had problems.

I have known Justin for years, he has always been a really sweet person.

He probably saw me and thought I seemed like a person who needed help.

And him being the kind person he is, volunteered for the job of trying to fix me.

I know a kind, cute, and smart boy talking to me, befriending me, was far too good to be true.

Maybe, maybe if I were thinner, if I were prettier, he would like me more.

Maybe then he would see me as more than just a volunteer project.

That should work.

I just need to be thinner.

Then maybe he will like me.

I just need to lose a bit more weight.

•

After two hours of exercising, I can barely stand.

But that means I am doing it right, that means I am doing it right.

I decide to try on outfits for tomorrow.

I decide to try on the black shirt I got at the mall.

It still fits, but not the same.

I must be getting bigger.

How does it look different on me?

I got it last Thursday, it has only been a week.

And it has only been six days of ignoring Justin.

Has he noticed that I have gotten bigger in the last week?

Does he even realize how fat I am?

Does he just pity me?

Ignoring him has been hard, but I would rather not talk to him, than get pitied.

Why do I even care what he thinks.

I don't.

Or I shouldn't at least.

What does he even think is wrong with me?

Why would something be wrong with me?

Last time I checked I was pretty healthy, besides needing to loose some weight.

So why is he so convinced that there is something wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with me.
I am fine.

And once I get down I few more pounds I will be even better.

Alright, so I'm typing this two days after the last update, in a study hall on the second day of school.

So let me just say, being in classes with freshman is awful.

I have so many classes wheee I know no one and they are full of underclassman and it is not fun.

But I got to drive myself to school for the last few days, so that is really great.

I also was sobbing over a dead mouse this morning, so there's that.

But I have no classes with any friends and I seriously hate it.

Also, this poor girl in one of my classes is like 8-9 months pregnant and she had to go to the nurse on the first day and I felt so bad.

It's school day four.

I'm in gym class.

I hate this.

And myself.

I'm going to guidance next period to try and drop IB philosophy though.

Because no.

I am not taking that class.

I don't care if I have to start crying to my guidance counselor for him to let me drop it.

I'm dropping it.

I dropped it.

I didn't have to cry.

I kind of wish I did have to though, because that would be a story.

School is awful.

But that's okay.

I get out 45 minutes early now, and for the second half of the school year I have no morning, so I will have three classes plus gym every other day, so that's fun.

All I will have is English, History and IB Business Management because I have given up on everything.

I also hate business classes?

Like I don't know why I take them?

But like, I'm taking two half year ones too.

Also I'm not sure why my school even has a dress code? Like today I saw a girl wearing a bralette with a cardigan over it. Like this girl was just wearing a sweater over a bra and no one was even close to caring. Like just get rid of the dress code?

I hate not driving to school though, those days are the worst, even though it's only been one day so far.

I'm only four days into school, but it feels like a year already.

Also my friend who was out of the country apparently came back today, but told no one, so I never saw her and I'm sad.

Hope you all are well!