Thin Line

Chapter 29

When I hear footsteps I look over at the door.

Justin.

When I see him, all I can do is think about how wrong I was.

The person I see myself as is not even close to the person he sees when he looks at me.

I have spent all this time thinking he was the one who was wrong, that he lied.

But he didn't lie.

He just cares.

I look down at my arm.

He is seeing me worse than I have ever been.

I don't want him to see me at my worse.

I have now realized that he doesn't care what I look like.

But I still don't want someone I care so much about to see me at my worst.

And he is blaming himself.

I know he keeps telling himself that this is all his fault, that if he had never said anything I would be better than I am.

But all he did was try and help me, but I refused his help and blamed him for lying, when in reality I was just denying that I was sick.

I keep denying that anything is wrong with me.

I keep denying the fact that I need help.

I need help.

I need to get help.

I don't know what I would do if my sister were to starve herself to death.

I couldn't bear to lose my sister to something so preventable.

And I can't put her though that.

I can't put anyone through that.

Being skinny is not worth losing my life.

I just wish it hadn't taken me this long to realize that.

I had never even needed to lose weight.

I was underweight when I started all of this.

I am better than any eating disorder.

My family should not have to lose me due to my want to be something I can never be.

Now I just need to hope that Hannah gets better, she is young, she doesn't know what she is doing.

She shouldn't feel this way just because I keep attacking myself.

Yet she does.

And it is all my fault.

"Sierra." Justin says, I can see the sadness in his eyes, I can tell how heartbroken he is.

Just looking at him makes me start to cry.

"You came?" I ask him, after all I said, I though he would never want to see me again.

"Sierra, how could I not come see you?" He asks me.

I just get out of my hospital bed and hug him.

Thank goodness they let me put actual clothes on to leave.

"I'm sorry." I cry as he hugs me tighter.

"Sierra, it's okay." He tells me.

"I missed you." Is all that can come out.

I have not talked to him in well over a month.

I just shut out the world and left him worrying.

"Sierra, everything is going to be okay." He says to me as we both pull away.

"I know." I tell him.

I can tell that he is worried about my size.

I died.

I actually died.

My mom told me that for a few minutes I was actually dead.

I almost put him and everyone through losing me.

I almost took myself away from the world.

I am sick.

There is clearly something wrong with me.

I actually thought that being skinny was worth throwing away this life that has been given to me.

"I'm sorry." I say to him.

"For what?" He questions.

"Everything." I reply. "For calling you a liar when you're not, for thinking what I was doing to myself was what was right, for almost killing myself, for actually killing myself, for pushing you away, for not trying to get better." I elaborate.

"Sierra, everything is okay." He assures me once again.

"Not really, I shut you out, I died for like five minutes. I didn't care about anything enough to even try to stay alive." I say to him.

"Sierra, all that matters is that you are alive." He says to me.

"Why did you come?" I ask him. "I accused you of lying, I pushed you out, I ignored you for over a month." I elaborate.

"Sierra, I know that you were only doing what you thought was right." He tells me.

"I managed to convince myself that no person could ever like me, I thought that you really were just a person who pitied me." I admit to him.

"Sierra, I would never do something like that, I would never play with your emotions, or anyone's really. I meant anything I ever said to you, Sierra." He tells me.

"Can you do me a favor?" I ask him.

"Anything." Is his reply.

"Make sure Hannah is okay while I am gone. She-" I start before the tears come again. "She, she hasn't been eating. Right when I saw her, I could see how thin and pale she was." I tell him.

"What happened?" He asks me, knowing Hannah was just fine the last time he saw her.

"I happened. After all this time of me calling myself fat and hating how I look, she started to see herself that way too. She figured that if I thought I was too fat at the size I am now, then she, being bigger than me, must be really fat." I explain. "So please, make sure she is okay, I don't want her ending up where I am, or worse."

"I will do everything I can to make sure she is okay." He assures me.

"Thank you." I tell him before giving him a tight hug.

"Anything for you." He tells me, his tone a bit sarcastic.

But then he kisses me.

"Sorry." He says after pulling away from me.

"You are fine." I assure him, his hands still holding tightly on what is left of my waist.

"I should probably wait until we are actually dating next time." He jokes.

"And when will that be?" I question.

"Once you are ready, Sierra." He tells me.

And at that, it is time for me to head off to rehab for many more months.

Okay yes, I know, this chapter is trash. Please forgive me, I lost like a fifth of it and didn't feel like retyping it all, especially because I was like almost done when I lost it. So, sorry.

Also, one chapter left!

But I have to work tonight.

So that's not fun.

But it got me out of speaking at some IB thing tonight.

Shoutout to the teacher who asked me for asking me four hours before the thing starts, and four hours before my shirt when it's too late to bet anyone to cover for me.

Also, my dog is adorable and I love him.