Thin Line

Chapter 27

"Bye." I say to Justin before giving him a hug.

"See you tomorrow, Sierra." He says to me before leaving my house.

For the past couple of weeks after our date and everything, things have been going great between us.

But he still has yet to ask me to be his girlfriend.

I mean, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to date me.

But with how must interest he has seemed to have in me, I am a bit surprised he hasn't asked me yet.

Especially because our first date was nearly two months ago.

But on the bright side, I have gotten thinner.

I look smaller, and my clothes are getting to be more baggy again.

I just hope no one else has noticed.

I never would have imagined that I could become bulimic, but it is the only choice.

Not eating is no longer a choice, not with everyone watching me so closely.

So I do the next best thing, I just get rid of my food the second they turn their backs on me.

And it's actually working.

I am aware that I am just setting myself up for death, or at least another trip to rehab.

But anything is better than being fat.

Anything is better than looking how I do now.

I would rather be small and dead than big and alive.

Justin probably hasn't asked me yet because he has seen me bigger since I gained all that weight in rehab, and he probably only liked me when I was smaller.

Maybe, once I'm thin, he will like me again.

I just need to lose a bit more weight, then he will like me again.

Pretty girls don't eat.

Or they don't keep their food down at least.

And all I want is to be pretty.

Skinny, and pretty.

Once I look better, then he will like me again.

He claims I'm beautiful no matter how I look, but I know that is a lie.

I can never be beautiful.

But the thinner I am, the closer I am to being so.

•    

Justin decided to come over early before lunch today, so we had time together where we could do something that wasn't sit at the kitchen table while I take hours to eat.

Spending time with him is fun, most of the time.

The other part of the time I am just wondering why he tolerates me.

And what he apparently likes about me.

He always tells me that I look good.

He tells me how beautiful I am.

Sometimes I wish he just wouldn't say anything.

That would be better than all of these lies he always tells me.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not beautiful.

Because I'm not skinny.

Maybe until I'm finally skinny, or at least back to the size I was, I won't ever be pretty.

I can never feel pretty without being small.