In My Remains

And I drive myself crazy

A/N: Sorry it took me so long! Been writing longer chapters which takes more time obviously. Tiny trigger warning here, but nothing too bad. 'Reading My Eyes' is my next one to write.

--------

One more rehearsal. One more and then they would be actually touring. The promos were over, the time alone with Mike was over. Brad stared at his guitar. His favorite one that he knew he would be using a lot the next year. Weeks, months- it was all just time. He had never been this scared in his life, except on the day when the attack happened. And again he was in the situation that he couldn't affect to. No matter how hard he tried it all felt impossible.

Biting down his lip he glanced at the half Asian who was chatting with Dave. They all looked so calm, so ready. He thought he had been, but now he wasn't sure at all. Cringing he picked up the guitar and flipped the strap over his neck. At least something to focus to on stage.

Mike had promised to be there. He had promised he would support him and make sure he was comfortable. Which was exactly what he had done. But the emcee had so much on his plate that he didn't notice the slow change in Brad. First it was just that, staring at the guitar and biting lip. At that point he still thought everything was fine and that the weird feeling would pass.

They started to play and Mike gave him some attention which was tiny push to the other direction. Just the smile and stroke, and then an approving glance. But it wasn't enough. Concentrating to playing and Chester, who was pumped and had fun, he tried to ignore the feeling. Lorenzo with the camera wasn't helping, and not did the technicians. He felt like everyone was watching him, even though when he looked they weren't.

Soon he couldn't focus anymore. The only thing he was supposed to do he couldn't. His hands moved cause it all came from his backbone but the loud buzzing in his ears started to bury everything under. Gasping he scanned the room only finding out that everyone was minding their own business. He wanted to run to Mike. To tell him that something was happening and he wasn't okay. But Mike couldn't help him anyway when it was inside his head.

Turning on his back on Lorenzo and the camera he tried to focus to the breathing. The air was so thick and his chest was already feeling heavy, like someone was sitting on it. Sucking the air in didn't seem to do nothing and soon the task was just harder. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, but there was no getting back now. Staggering he tried to search any eye contact he could. No one saw him, they were still focusing to playing the song. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Only thing now was his buzzing ears and his heart that was beating out from his chest. The fingers stopped on the guitar neck. He gasped for air but managed to let out only a pathetic whimper. Tearing the cord out and the guitar strap off of his shoulder he managed to toss it to a technician before he ran.

He needed to get out. From the noise, from the people. From the buzzing that didn't stop even when he threw the earphones making them clatter behind him on the floor. The corridor outside the rehearsing space seemed to get longer and longer even though he ran as fast as he could. His footsteps echoing on the walls, barely audible under the buzz that just seemed to get louder on his ears.

Finally he got to the outdoor. But it didn't open. He banged it hard and then tried the lock again. Nothing happened. Screaming he lunged at the door kicking it, but only thing he managed to do was to hurt his fragile frame. He didn't feel the pain. The fists banged at the door still, as he slumped on the floor. Crying and screaming helplessly he kicked only finding out that there was nothing he could do. The door stayed firmly shut and he was trapped.

The whole time the buzzing had just got louder. He covered his ears and retracted to a tiny ball on the corner. Curling into himself he screamed as loud as he could but the buzzing didn't stop. He couldn't feel his limbs anymore, and he was sure he was dying now. The noise was so bright and deafening and his heart seemed to beat just faster to it.