In My Remains

The hardest part of ending is starting again

A/N: Hello all. Missed you all <3 Here another part and tomorrow I am supposed to be writing 'Reading My Eyes'. I can already say that I don't look forward to the heavy chapter... :S

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And in spite the fact that Mike was sure Brad wasn't ready he found himself on a plane with the others, headed to South America. They all did know the situation with Brad, as did the most important people in crew too, but Chester was the only one who knew how bad it really was. And Brad was doing a brilliant job at hiding it. If Mike wouldn't have known better he would have thought he was okay. His normal self. But Brad wasn't. He was slipping and Mike felt like choking when he watched it. The worst thing was the pretending. Brad wasn't giving up and admitting he wasn't actually managing.

"Mike stop staring at me", Brad said bluntly but didn't turn his head to face him.

There it was again. Of course, he was staring. Cause he waited for the breakdown. Chester tugged him by his arm guiding away from the guitarist. Mike objected with a grunt but knew that there was nothing he could do. Brad was being stubborn and would deal with the consequences then later. It was breaking Mike's heart and he felt absolutely defeated.

They dropped their bags at the hotel and headed straight to the venue. The two days after the show, before another, were just a tiny stop. Maybe relaxing for the others but for Mike and Brad only some time to breathe. And now it was Chester who was staring. As they sat in the car to the venue he couldn't keep his eyes off of Mike who looked scared. He certainly could see why. Brad looked perfectly normal to anyone else than them. But it was too soon for even it to be possible that Brad was actually healed. He had a tiny hope in him that Brad was trying so hard to act normal that he was actually forgetting whatever it was that caused his panic attacks. The problem was that even if it would work today, it was only a temporary solution and would lead to more problems later.

Brad was mostly annoyed because of his boot. It looked ridiculous and he felt ashamed. Just thinking about the cause behind it. And he still wanted to cling onto Mike. He hated the feeling when he knew he couldn't do anything to it. But the clock was ticking and there was no stopping it. Soon he would step back on the stage in front of the audience he could already hear now. His heart was racing, but he felt like he was still managing. The familiar panicking feeling hasn't yet arrived and he was just nervous. That normal type he still felt before these kinds of huge shows.

Turning his focus to the singer who was bouncing around, he inhaled. Chester smiled at him and nodded. Reassurance that he did need. Biting down to his lip he straightened his black long sleeved shirt and glanced at the clock. Though he didn't need, since Jim was just then there calling the cue.

"Don't you fucking forget that I love you", Mike was suddenly there beside him, whispering to his ear. He nodded silently. Not that he would forget it, but there was nothing to be said or done that would affect to what would happen next. Just like the last time, if it would start it would be like a landslide.

He felt like he was walking on thin air. Head foggy and everything else disappearing than the roaring crowd as he followed his bandmates behind the stage. Mike was now beside him, his hand in Brad's. Entwining their fingers they kept their hands hidden between their bodies. To shield from possible curious eyes.

Mike was so scared. He didn't care would Brad crumble down in the stage. Not even though he knew it would cause a huge mess after. He was scared altogether that Brad would crumble down. And he was scared that he couldn't fix him after. Not even though Brad had tried to convince him that he would.