In My Remains

Taken far from my safety

A/N: Hello. So, here we are again. He isn't here to stay either though. And I will write the spin-off at one point for them too. My next one to write is 'Reading My Eyes'.

--------



Mike woke up the next day groggy. Like he had drank too much last night. Brad had rolled over to the edge of the bed and curled up. In his sleep his shirt has risen, revealing most the back. Mike stared for a while the scars crisscrossing on the cream white skin and sighed heavily. Brad was so skinny, so fragile like that and the scars just added more to it. Biting his lip he trailed his finger along the first one and then continued to the other. When he was back at the first one Brad shifted and turned then around.


"Any better?"


"No. You look bad though", Brad mumbled staring at the lip that had still dried blood covering the wound. The scratches didn't look bad, and even the bruise wasn't that swollen anymore, but the lip did look painful. He pulled the shirt back down shivering from the cool air that hit his bare skin.


"Don't worry about me. We need to think about what we are going to do with you", Mike sighed.


"Yeah well. I'll manage."


"If that's what you call managing Brad..." Mike rolled his eyes.


The phone's alarm startled him and he grabbed the phone before Brad answered to him. And them he remembered the unanswered calls that were haunting on the phone screen. Chewing his lip he picked up Brad's phone too and handed it for the other. Brad frowned, not realizing what was happening, but when he saw the screen he exhaled heavily. Staring at Mike he tried to figure out what he was thinking but Mike's face revealed absolutely no emotion.


"So..."


"Why are you asking me? It's your thing. Obviously you call him back", Mike said.


Brad sighed since he could hear the annoyance in Mike's voice. That little sting that was so easy for him to decode. Instead of questioning it he opened the screen lock and tapped the name to call back. Mike stared at him now the emotion already showing in his eyes even though he tried to keep his face straight. Of course he was pissed. The timing wasn't the best and he still hadn't gotten over the fact that he wasn't Brad's first.


"Yeah, you had called?"


"Hi. Uhm... Can we meet?"


"Meet? Uhm..." Brad swallowed thickly, apprehensive what this would initiate.


Mike sighed heavily but shrugged. He couldn't stop it. And even if he could it wouldn't be fair.


"Yeah, we can meet."


"Okay, good. Should I come to your place or?"


"I'm not living there anymore. Maybe that cute cafe in..." Brad started but Mike shook his head vigorously.


Brad frowned. The other sighed and formed word here with his lips and Brad's frown just deepened. "He doesn't know it's you", he whispered holding the phone away from his mouth.


"Guess he will find out then", Mike answered also keeping his voice barely audible.


"Uhm... I'm staying with Mike. Could you come here?" Brad said to the phone keeping his gaze on the emcee who had a set of mixed emotions written all over his face.


"Sure yeah. Text me the address. I'll be there in an hour then?"


"Yeah. Kay."


When Brad had ended the call, texted the address and tossed the phone to the other end of the bed he sighed, "And what the actual fuck do you think you are doing?"


"Well..."


"No Mike. Seriously. It wouldn't matter would we meet here, at the cafe or at his place. It doesn't change the situation in any way. Except that you're just going to witness the talk and then drown to the jealousy", Brad tried to explain. He knew Mike didn't see it that way. Mike thought that torturing himself with watching their conversation would somehow help with his issue. But Brad knew that it wasn't going to stop just like that.


"I think we had more important things to settle than my jealousy."


Brad jumped up from the bed stumbling on his boot as he had already forgotten it. Falling on the floor he let out a loud grumble. But Mike was already there beside him. Wrapping his arms around the tiny waist he pulled Brad to his feet and helped to sit on the bed.


"I just can't... Please just behave, okay?" Brad sighed and dropped his head. He didn't want this to happen but as it was, he just had to go with the flow and try to handle his own nerves.


"Like I said, there are more important things. For example the fact that our flight leaves tomorrow night to other country and you had a full blown panic attack at a rehearsal. You're not ready. And I know that if I try to... you won't change your mind. If I cancel the shows you will be so pissed and just yell at me. But you're still not ready", Mike stared at him.


"Then don't. I will manage."


"That's what you already said. Maybe you do, but that's on your own expense. Do you really want to go back to where you were? I can already see how it goes. You're just being stubborn", the half Asian shook his head and stroked the thin arm.


"And so are you. That makes us even. Can we just handle this day first?" Brad groaned.


"Fine. I'm going to make breakfast before he gets here", Mike answered and Brad cringed when he heard the emphasis on the sentence.


He watched as the other left and rolled his eyes then. Deep down he knew this was just a phase. It all had happened so fast that they both got lost in the way and it would take time for them to get back on the tracks and used to it all. But it was still hurting him. Mike was trying to control the situation, when he perfectly knew he couldn't. Chewing his lip he swallowed the grumble and followed then the other.


In the living room he waited patiently for the breakfast trying not to stare at the clock. An hour was so short time, just a tiny fraction of a lifetime. Not even visible really. But now it seemed to take forever to the hour to end.


"Brad", Mike sighed when Brad had just nibbled his toast.


"Don't start that now. I'll eat later. I am too worried about how you will react to have any appetite", the guitarist rolled his eyes.


"Well still you..." the other started but closed his mouth when Brad shot a glance at him.


Mike's mind was a whirlwind and next thing he knew was Brad opening the door and inviting Tomo inside. His heart was beating out of his chest even when Brad sat next to him and didn't give any signs that there was something going on. He knew there wasn't, he was sure of it. But the feeling was still there. Making him insane.


"What the hell happened?" the other pointed at Brad's boot and then glanced at Mike's face scanning over the injuries.


"I had a panic attack. My toes weren't as hard as a steel door. And I punched him when he tried to help me", Brad shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.


Mike rolled his eyes annoyed by Brad's attitude and Tomo caught that instantly. "So what's up with you guys then?"


"I told you I am with someone. That someone is him", Brad nodded smiling. Even saying that out loud felt so good.


"Really? That's awesome! So how do you... I thought you were leaving in the south in some days. Or was it next month?" the other said.


"No it's... We are leaving tomorrow", Brad mumbled.


Tomo stared at him and then Mike and shook his head. "That's not smart. If you just had a panic attack..."


"See. Even he knows it's not good", Mike sighed.


"What's that supposed to mean?" Tomo frowned looking from Brad to Mike and back.


Brad groaned not wanting to get middle of whatever it was they were headed to. "Ignore him. He is just... being Mike. So what's going on? You sounded weird on phone."


"Uhm... I have no idea. I think I get now how you felt back then. I feel like... It's not how am I supposed to live. I want something else and I don't know what it is", Tomo revealed. He ignored Mike's hostile stare cause it seemed like the other was genuinely trying to hide it.


"Shit... Okay, so how do you... I thought you guys were making a new album right now?" Brad shook his head confused.


Tomo let out a laughter. "Yeah. He is. You know how Jared is. I think I am just on the way. They are better without me."


"It's that bad? Didn't know."


"It's fine really. Already got used to that. I just... I don't know should I quit or not. Now, in the middle of making the album, it feels like I am betraying them. But even... it's not that kind of music that I want to play", the other shrugged.


Brad sighed. He remembered exactly how he had felt back then, and now Tomo seemed to be in even harder position. He had worked so hard and achieved so much, but in the end would it even matter if it wasn't something you enjoyed?


"So, maybe it is time for you to do something else? Have you thought what it would be like then if you leave?" he asked then.


"Yeah. I have. A lot. Which is why I am so reluctant", the other said as he raked his hair back.


Mike was still staying silent. He observed them both, scrutinized the whole situation. It was weird to him. Cause he knew the past, but his mind was trying to convince him that there was something wrong. But there wasn't. It was just a conversation any friends would have.


"Okay I have to ask. Why the fuck are you staring at me like that?" Tomo finally said, not able to keep it in anymore.


"Uhm..." Mike croaked feeling the blush creep on his cheeks.


Tomo frowned and tilted his head. And gasped then. "Oh. I didn't even realize. You know about us. Brad! You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"


"Yeah well, it was inevitable. I didn't want to lie either."


"Fuck. Okay well, it doesn't matter anyway now. I just thought it was...", Tomo shrugged. He wasn't really comfortable of people finding out he had had a thing with Brad. It would just cause a huge mess. "So that's why you were weird. Look, I don't have any feelings for him or like that. I am happy that you two are together. I think you both deserve the love. Which I assume it is, since you are looking at Brad like that."


Mike grinned the blush just getting deeper. "Yeah..."


"I just feel like he is really the only one I can talk about this cause he went through something similar before. That's all", Tomo said smiling genuinely.


Brad bumped Mike with his elbow, signing that it was all fine. Which Mike knew. It hadn't changed in any way. The other voice was still there, telling him the exact opposite. But he was trying his best to ignore it.


"How did you two then... Brad didn't tell it was you when we met last time. I got a feeling that it was a secret thing so I didn't pry more", the other asked then.


Mike wasn't sure was it something he wanted Tomo to know. It was so personal. But then again he knew details about the other that he probably wouldn't want him to know. Brad watched him, waiting for some kind of a reaction. For him it was fine. Why wouldn't it be? And Mike being so reluctant was just normal.


"So... You know about the attack? He just... he didn't speak. Like at all. I had then loved him already for a long time and tried to hide it. Anna found out and filed a divorce instantly. Which I understand. It wasn't... Just pointless really. Why should you stay with a person who loves another? So uhm...", Mike explained and got lost then to that exact moment when Anna told him she would get a divorce.


"Okay. And I assume it was you who got him to talk again since... well since he is talking now."


Mike nodded. "You could say so. I was such a mess. It wasn't a good thing at all. Cause I was pining and then he was just... passive and not eating and clinging to me. I didn't know what to do. Cause at first I didn't even see that it helped, but then it anyway did. Then we thought it would be better if he would go back home. But Elisa... she got frustrated and slapped him. And he came running back. I will never forget that face. She called me in panic, but I got so mad that I just had to hang up before I would have done something more. Just as I was about to go and search for him, he stood there behind the door. Staring at me like a puppy being beaten up. Scared and broken and... So I just couldn't anymore. Even if it would have been better for him to get back, and I try to forget my feelings I couldn't."


"Which it wasn't", Brad mumbled. He didn't remember that well how he had felt then. More just plain confusion than any clear feelings. But then Mike surrounded him with the love and he could finally start to relax and collect himself back together. "The thing was that he didn't know that I already had feelings for him. Had had for a long time. But the whole ordeal made me finally accept it. It was a really slow progress, but it happened.


"Wow. That's just... And then you were happy and you started to talk again?" Tomo nodded.


"Well...", Mike grimaced. "There was the police thing when the attacker was caught and I had a really hard time to believe he actually loved me too. You know that stuff doesn't happen in real life. And then... the past. As in you two."


"Oh. Shit. Didn't know I was such an obstacle", Tomo mumbled with an apologizing tone.


Mike chewed his lip. Suddenly it felt so unfair. Not just towards Brad but towards Tomo too. After all, Brad had explained the situation, and that they didn't have any romantic feelings.


"I... think it's just cause of this whole thing. If this hadn't happened and I had gotten together with him... like if the circumstances had been different, I think I wouldn't be so...", Mile swallowed.


"Jealous. Controlling", Brad rolled his eyes.


Mike sighed dropping his head. "Yeah. That. And I am sorry. You know that's something I can't... control. But I'll get through it."


Brad shook his head smiling softly and ran a hand along his back. "Yeah. And I'll be here doing it with you."


"Ugh, you two are too cute. Okay so, that was the story then? You were trying to start a life together and the past tackled Mike?"


"Basically yes", Mike raised his eyebrow weirded out by the straightforward conclusion.


"I see. I think that also means that I need to leave."


"Uhm..." Mike was about to object but then he realized that it still was what he wanted and he shouldn't be polite just cause.


Tomo shook his head and stood up, "It's fine. Really. I think I got some reassurance already."


Brad got up too and hugged him briefly and Mike was now more weirded out that he didn't feel the sting. That annoying pinch that reminded him of their past.


"So you're okay?" Brad asked from the other guitarist.


"Yeah. I'll need to figure out the answer. It won't be easy but this did help", Tomo nodded and hugged the other. "But uhm, Mike... Could I have a word with you?"


The emcee was startled but shrugged then. "Yeah sure."


Following Tomo, at the door he glanced over his shoulder at Brad who sat down and looked overwhelmed.


"So. He isn't ready. I don't want to... Well you know, get in the middle of things, but you... He isn't ready. You shouldn't let him get back on the stage. He will just..." Tomo sighed.


"I know. But if we cancel he will kill me. I tried to talk about it earlier but he doesn't listen. Says he has it under control and that he will manage. What am I supposed to do?" Mike mumbled and raked his hair.


"He is a mess. A broken mess. You will need a lot of patience to fix it. Try once more?"


Mike bit his lip. Tomo was right but he just couldn't change Brad's mind. And canceling the show this late and against Brad's will wasn't just right thing to do. "I'll try. I am just afraid his stubbornness is on the way."


The other chuckled. "Yeah I know he can be a pain in the ass."


"That's an understatement. But I would never hurt him intentionally. Pain or not. Love him so much."


"I can see that. Honestly, I am glad it's you with him and not someone else. You do know that our thing was just... those moments? I love him, but just as a human being. We were never really even friends but it doesn't mean that I don't care about him. Promise to call me if you need something okay? I hate to see him regress like that. I know I wasn't there when it happened and all that but... Yeah", Tomo explained and opened the door. He really didn't want to cause any more issues, and even now when Mike seemed to agree with him he felt like he was interfering.


"Yeah, I know. It's just my stupid brains trying to make up stuff", Mike groaned. Maybe Tomo could help if Brad got worse. Maybe sometimes you need different kind of help than you yourself can provide.


When Tomo left Mike joined Brad back on the couch. Brad stared at him annoyed cause he knew perfectly well what their talk had consisted. "Don't try to change my mind. We can't cancel now. You know that."


"Brad...", Mike sighed and pulled him under his arm and kissed him. "You are one fucking mess. And you will just fall harder next time."


"And you will be there to pick me up."


"Yeah. And fix. I'm scared that there comes a time when I'm not able to."


"Nah. You are always able to do that."


"Could you just consider one more time? Please Brad?" Mike let out another heavy exhale.


"No. I won't. We'll make it through", Brad smiled.


Mike just wasn't that sure. Not sure at all that they would.


--------