13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 2 - Hannah's Letter

Opening the pages, I began to read Hannah's letter.

"Clay, Helmet."

Reading those words, I could feel my eyes well up, my heart break.

"It's me, Hannah."

It was as if I could hear her, telling me every word she'd wrote.

"Remember we said we would write each other, I guess things ended differently than I wanted."

I still remembered that summer, I was at my grandma's.

"I need to explain myself Clay, this is the very least you deserve after everything that's happened."

Encapaptured in her words I continued reading.

"I don't know how you will be feeling about everything, including me. I am pretty sure you would have listened to your tape by now huh?.. As well as the others."

My mind went back to that night, the night I listened to my tape. I remember sitting in Tony's car, hearing her voice, hearing her say she wasn't good enough, it broke me.

"Like I said you did not deserve to be on those tapes Clay, but I needed you to understand why I acted the way I did. The night of Jessica's party was one of the best nights of my life until, well you know."

"I couldn't let you think I didn't have feelings for you Clay, you have always been special to me. The decisions I've made, letting the wrong people into my life, these created my own downfall. The only person that made me feel like Hannah Baker was you Clay Jensen, I am so grateful for the times we have spent together so far."

As I Sat looking out over the lake, I began thinking about those times, I loved them all.

"As I write this Clay, I continue to battle with myself. Battle over the decisions I have made and the ones yet to come, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

Tears began to stream down my face, thinking about Hannah making those decisions by herself, It breaks my heart.

Wiping my eyes, I continued to read.

"It feels like the Hannah Baker I knew, she slowly drifted away. Clay, the only person that brought that girl back was you."

The realisation hit me, I couldnt save her, having to live with that haunts me, It always will.

"I think you are an amazing person Clay,  although your taste in sci-fi is one to be desired. Just kidding helmet!!"

Remembering Hannah'scheeky grin,  I briefly smiled through my now flowing tears.

"Everything that has happened to me, it's damaged me Clay. It damaged the way I thought of the most important people in my life."

"The truth is Clay, the decision I made did not go to plan. I am hoping the damage that has been caused can be healed in time, I wish you was here to talk, although I think that's the last thing you'd want."

Turn over Helmet.

The last thing I'd want?

I can't believe you didn't understand how I felt Hannah, she thought I hated her. I love you, I would have done anything to help.

I knew I should have been there for her, to talk to, scream at, anything that would have helped. As I turned the page, I felt confused. What did Hannah mean, it didn't go to plan?

 page 2....

"Clay."

"I know you must be confused, you may even hate me. I need to tell you what really happened; I said above that my plan did not go the way I wanted. Two weeks ago, I tried to end my life."