13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 6 - A ray of light

Hey... it's Hannah,

Hannah Baker.

Another week and I'm still alive, who would have known.

To say the least it's been interesting, a week I wasn't expecting.

You will be happy to know I'm no longer in the cassette business, not for now at least.

I have instead decided to pick up a pen, my councilor insists on me releasing my thoughts so here goes. Since what happened I never thought about writing again, but hey she's pretty cool.

Like I said it's been a busy week, once Clay and Tony left I felt low, sad and alone again.... It was so hard.

Although it being hard, I do have feelings back, feelings I haven't felt in what seems like forever...and you are responsible Clay Jensen.

His surprises continue to amaze me.

The feeling that someone is there for you no matter what, it's a powerful thing. A feeling that you were missed, I just wish I hadn't blocked him out, I still feel bad.

Clay Jensen, you're adorable whatever you say, you even came back too.

It was the best thing to see him again, I missed Helmet... he even brought strictly Ballroom.

"There are no new steps"!! I still love it.

It reminds me of the night at the dance, it should have been mine and Clay's first kiss, we were so nervous, it was perfect untill everything went wrong.

My Mom and Dad have discussed me returning to school but more on that later, who's this?

Looking down as my phone vibrated I saw his name.

1 new message - Clay Jensen

There you are helmet, let's see what you have to say.

C- Hey Hannah how are you? I hope you're okay, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Sweet but straight to the point,  you never disappoint helmet. The truth was I couldn't wait to see him either.

H - Hey Helmet what's up? I'm okay, missing my partner in crime. I'm looking forward to seeing you, I'm so nervous Clay xx

You may ask... nervous? why? Tomorrow my journey takes a big step.

C - Tell me about it... how am I supposed to drive the millennium falcon without you?! It will be fine Hannah... me, your mom and dad will be there... you will do great.

Helmet you are such a nerd, I love it though.

He's always so supportive.

H - Helmet....that's exactly what I was thinking, how can you fly without your co-pilot?! Thanks Clay... I can't wait for it to be over... what's up? Are you doing much? Xx

I missed him so much, I wish he was here.

C - Miss Hannah Baker, the mind reader! Not long and it will be over, lots to look forward to. I'm okay just at school. I need to go to class now, wish you was here, Speak later xx

Mind reader? I wish Clay, I'd love to know what you are thinking sometimes. Clay Jensen sending me kisses on a message?? What's going on.

H - Thanks Clay, I can't wait... good things are coming! Hope class goes well, wish I was with you Helmet... speak later xx

You're so special Clay, you make me happy even when you aren't here. What's the world coming to??

Any way... where was I? Returning to school!

I have to at some point, the oppertunity of moving away was not an option. I need Clay, the last thing I want is to lose him again. In order for me to move forward I have to get past this, I need to face what's happened.

We are moving into our new house in 1 week and 3 days, I can't wait. I couldn't face the old house, that bathroom, the blood... my bedroom. Courtney, Tyler, Jess and Alex. I need a new start, new memories.

I'm no pretender that this is easy, but I now realize that I couldn't have better support. I know I am loved, it's hard to understand sometimes but I am.

Before we move we are going away to a lake house, me... Mom, Dad and I managed to talk Clay into coming. I can't wait to get away, space with my favorite people.

Before we go there's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the little thing I was mentioning earlier...

Tomorrow I am giving a statement against Bryce Walker, Mrs Jensen wants to take my case, she wants to help me get passed this. Clay's parents are lovely, I see where he gets it from.

I won't need to see him, I know that. It's talking about that night, it being real... I'm so scared.

What happens if they don't listen? If he doesn't get arrested? I don't know if I could take that....

Relax Hannah, Breathe. It will be fine....

I still get really anxious, it's a horrible feeling. I don't know when or if that will go, it's mainly when I am alone with my own thoughts. When I'm with helmet things don't seem that bad, they actually get better every day... he's my little star.

I think about Clay a lot, I love his attitude to life, he's genuine, funny and cute. He always calls himself socially awkward, he needs to look at me.

Clay's always been miss understood, just because he's not a loud, over confident jock.

That made me think... they were the exact type I once went for, but Clay is the exact type I always needed. It's strange how it can take so many bad experiences to make people see who's good in life.

Could I see myself with Clay you may ask? Yeah sure, I still can. I can't hurt him though, I need to stop myself from being hurt, I can't go through that again.

I never want to ruin our friendship.

But yeah, I could see me being really happy with Clay someday.

Anyway, I need to leave you there. I need to eat... catch you soon.

Nice talk.

Till tomorrow, wish me luck xxx