13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 25 - My decision

I left that room with tears in my eyes, Clays letter tightly grasped in my hand. My body was owned by numbness... the realisation of what i had done was now very real...

How would I make that up to him...? How could I?

When I said I knew what I had to do, I meant it... it's another thing if I could do it...

I wish i could speak to him... explain everything.. the fact I can't is killing me inside... I feel so alone...

I walked the hospital halls for what felt like hours... fighting with myself over whats happened...

The trial... Tyler... Zack... Alex... the box... The smashed picture of me and Clay...none of it mattered... not even my reasons why not.

The only thing that mattered was Clay... what's best for him. The thought of him in pain makes me feel sick...

As I approached his room i closed my eyes... I was praying with every part of me he had woken up... that he would be sat up, talking about star trek... or star wars...

He wasn't... instead he lay there... motionless... it broke my heart.

Looking at Clay I knew what I had to do...

I quietly walked in, my heart was pounding. I sat next to the bed... already crying I gently held Clays hand...

"Hey... helmet..." forcing the words past my tears...

I sat staring at him... thinking about how he looks at me, his beautiful smile... no one has ever looked at me like Clay.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I continued...

"I read the letter you wrote me! You actually wrote me... just like you said you would... you never fail to surprise me"

"I wish you could hear me Clay..."

My grip tightened around Clays hand... I closed my eyes as a tear ran down my cheek...

"I'm sorry...

As I opened my eyes I could feel myself breaking inside...

"I'm sorry I haven't been the person you've needed... I haven't been there for you, like you've been there for me..."

My tears continued to fall...

"The words in your letter... I can now understand the pain I've put you through... what it's like not being able to tell someone you love them... it's killing me"

"You're the most special person I've ever met... what you've done for me... I can't explain in words what it means..."

I paused to catch my breath...

"That night... after you stopped me jumping... I wrote a list. That list included reasons why I shouldn't end my life... what i had to look forward to. You made me realise this Clay..."

"You were my biggest reason why not...well we were"

My hand was shaking... I pulled a note I'd written from my pocket and gently slipped it under Clays pillow.

"I never told you how I felt... like in your letter I thought there would be time... time to tell you... time to grow with you... love you... I didnt want to hurt you"

"I now see what you meant... life's too short"

"I had a dream about us... me and you. We were in New York... Standing by the Hudson River. It was perfect... you looked at me like you always do... that cute stare... then you kissed me..."

My eyes looked down to Clays hand... I was playing with his fingers like i always do...

"Please wake up Clay....!"

I burst into tears... I couldn't take it seeing him like this... I cant handle everything without him.

I gently held his hand against my face as I leaned forward on the bed... I needed to feel his touch.

"You told me in your letter... that after what I did something changed in you... something came out... I love it. I now understand why..."

"Clay... I want to be the person you need... i want to be there for you... just like you've been here for me."

"'That's why I've decided... I'm not going anywhere... I'm not leaving untill you wake up! From now on I promise... your all that matters to me... I'll tell you anything and everything... I want my partner in crime back"

I stood up and leaned forward... I gently kissed Clay on his lips... then whispered in his ear...

"I love you Clay Jensen... please come back to me..."

As I stood up I heard a noise behind me... I turned to see my mom and Mrs. Jensen, they were both crying...

I lost it... I felt like I was going to collapse.

They both grabbed me held me... telling me it will be alright.

"Hannah... you need sleep and food... let me take you home, then you can come back"

"No mom... I'm not going! I can't... I need to be here for Clay... I'll sit in the corridor if I have to"

My mom could see how serious I was... how heartbroken...

"Mrs. Jensen... is it ok if I stay? You won't notice I'm here... i cant leave him"

Clay's mom nodded...

"As long as it's ok with your mom..."

My mum relaxed her face...

"Ok honey you can stay... I'll bring some things for you"

My mom left soon after... she knew I wouldn't leave. Untill she comes back Clay's mom had given me one of his hoodies from her car.

I loved it... It was soft and smelt of him.

I lay down on the the sofa in Clays room looking at him... my eyes were heavy...

"I'm here for you Clay... you're not alone. I'm not going anywhere... I promise..."

As I lay there I cried myself to sleep... thinking about Clay...

Please wake up... I don't know what I'll do without you...