13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 8 - The dark side of the light.

Hannah's POV

"Stay away from me Clay! Don't come any closer, It's over!"

My body was shaking uncontrollably, I wasn't in control. I felt as if I wanted to disappear.

"Hannah, stop! Ok, I won't come any closer."

I stood there frozen, looking at Clay.

"Don't do this Hannah"

The look in Clay's eyes, he looked so scared... it felt like I was looking at myself.

"I'm not worth it Clay, walk away..."

I paused... I coulnt look at him, I couldn't take the pain in his eyes.

"....I was stupid, to think any of this could have worked."

My body, I can't control this feeling, its unbearable.

In a matter of hours, everything's changed. How? I couldn't understand it... Clay, don't leave please.

"Hannah, I'm not leaving! Not this time, I'm going nowhere"

I've never seen Clay look at me like that, I've never seen that fight in his eyes.

"Hannah, this is not ending like this. I will do anything and everything to make sure nothing happens to you, come down"

Clay... he looked so different. I was trying to concentrate, my whole body was shaking.

"How will things work Clay? I'm broken."

I'll never forget how he looked at me, his eyes changed. It was as if he could feel me, understand my every emotion.

"We will work this out Hannah! Me, you, your mom, dad, my parents... come down.... give me your hand."

A part of me wanted to, a part of me wanted to jump. I couldn't move, I was frozen..

Suddenly Clay started climbing up, I became scared... I forgot for that moment what was happening, all I could think about was him.

"Clay, what you doing?"

Clays POV

I'm not scared this time Hannah, you're coming down. I'm not losing you again.

Shit, Clay. This is pretty high... you can do it. I knew I needed to, for Hannah.

On any other day the thought of climbing up onto the bridge, it would terrify me.

Today was different,

"Hannah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere without you..."

The tone in his voice, I can still hear it now. His next words will stick with me forever...

"If you go... I'm going with you. "

Hannah POV

I couldn't believe what he just said, Clay you don't want to come with me.

"Clay, I'm not worth it. Seriously... you can be happy..."

"Hannah, you make me happy. Everything about you, it makes me a better person. When I met you, I was lost. The day you appeared, everything changed."

Clay paused as he looked at me...

"You're smart, funny... beautiful. This is not the answer Hannah, you're better than this... don't let him win."

So many thoughts were rushing through my mind, how have I changed your life so much Clay? Everything I've done, I was horrible.

I couldn't make sense of it...

"Why are you telling me this now Clay?"

"Hannah, the night I left you in that room. That horrible night, I should have never left you."

I remembered that night so well, I remembered what I did.

"I was horrible to you Clay, what I said... it was the worst."

"You were upset Hannah, I could see that and I still left. I'm not doing it again, I'm not losing you again"

I just stood there in silence, nothing would come out. Clay, he'd grown up so much, I couldn't see the shy boy I met... he was different.

"Hannah, after I thought you'd died, I was left with the biggest regret of my life...."

I listened with every part of me as he continued...

"I never told you how I felt about you..."

My heart slowed down, my eyes focused on clays. His voice now sounding softer.

All I could focus on was him...

"And how do you feel about me clay?"

I was so nervous, we both stood there in silence.

"I love you Hannah, I always have... and I promise I'll never hurt you."

I was in complete shock, I reacted without thinking.

"Clay..."

"Come with me Hannah, you don't need to say anything, just come down"

I saw Clay's hand,I couldn't resist it... my hand was shaking. I reached out and gently held his hand.

He really loves me.

At that point I gave in, all I could think about was those words..." I love you Hannah."

As Clay helped me down I couldn't stop looking at him, thinking about what he'd just told me.

The moment Clay put his arms round me, my feelings began to subside... I felt calmer.

He held me for what felt like ages.

Clay, I do love you. I'm not ready to go there, not yet... I'd only destroy him.

I then thought, Is he expecting me to say it back? I can't, not yet... I need to find me, I need to get better.

I love that he told me, he really is my super hero.

I looked up at Clay, his eyes now calm.

"Clay, you just saved my life."

His eyes were so warm, I could look them for hours.

"Yeah... I guess I just need the tight pants now."

How does he do that? He always make me smile.

"Thank you Clay..."

"Anytime Miss. Baker"

As me and Clay walked home, hand in hand. I started to reflect on what had happened tonight, the event that changed everything.

Bryce Walker, he'd been released on bail. How could that happen? I should of expected it, at least he's not allowed back to school or anywhere near me.

A trial, the thought of having to see him, tell my story again... that horrible night.

I couldn't take the thought of it, I panicked... I ran.

I scared myself tonight and not for the first time, If Clay wasn't there I don't know where I'd be now.

Once upon a time Clay was the quiet, shy boy I once met. He's changed so much, he was always sweet, he still is... but now he has a fire about him, he makes me feel safe.

My super hero.

"Clay, will you stay with me tonight? I don't want to be alone... "

"Of course, you still need to tell me what super hero you wanna be."

I smiled at him, this is becoming a habit.

"You can forget the pants, Helmet"

He's adorable...

He's right though, I can't let anyone win. If I don't fight this he wins, he does it to someone else.

I need to find me again, Hannah Baker.

I need to carry on getting stronger, but how...?