13 reasons Why Not

chapter 22 - In bits!

Lunch... it came and went... as did the rest of the day...

I was numb... worried...

For once its not about me... Clay...

Im stupid... why didn't i say something...? anything!!

I messaged helmet but nothing... I don't blame him...

Why do I always ruin the only good thing in my life... Maybe I was never meant to beat my 13 reasons why...?

Was I right first time round...? maybe... maybe not...

Tony gave me a ride home... we drove round town searching for Clay... we looked everywhere...

Nothing...

I'm worried about him... I felt so bad about everything...

Why didn't I speak to him about what happened? He tells me everything... if something will hurt me, he breaks my fall.

All I ever wanted was someone to be there for me... I've hurt him... that's the last thing I wanted to do...

I should be there for him, like he is for me...

As I left school i saw Zach... he couldn't even look at me... hes gutless!!

After driving round for what seemed like forever, Tony came back to mine, he knew I wasn't in a good place... he saw everything...

Clay's POV

I drove...

I drove for what seemed like hours... anywhere, it didn't matter!

I needed to clear my head... try to make sense of everything... why this had to happen.

I love Hannah so much... I'd do anything for her... maybe thats the issue? maybe that's not the person I'm supposed to be, is this where my anger's coming from?

Am I supposed to be bad...? not care about anyone.. anything... it doesn't seem to be doing me any good at the moment.

Feels like no one cares how i feel... she doesn't care... Hannah... at least it feels like it.

The thing is no matter how frustrated or angry I am... she's still there... I love her...

I don't get why she felt like she couldn't tell me anything...? Was she scared? Was she protecting Me? Does she feel like she couldn't tell Me? She could tell Jess... Justin...

I continued to battle with my own thoughts as I drove home... I had work tonight... great... another night at the crestmont!

Still reminds me of Hannah... I loved that night sitting on the roof... we were so inoccent... no issues... now it feels like everyday we battle to be the people we want to be.

As I pulled up at my house I saw Justin sitting outside... if I didn't need my work stuff I would have continued driving.

To be honest I was shocked to see him...

"Clay... you ok...?"

I looked at Justin... he could tell i wasn't.

"Clay you've gotta calm down... you need to talk about it"

Talk to You...?

"Why do you wanna talk to me Justin...? Months ago you didn't know who I was... weeks ago you wanted to beat me up!"

"I know Clay... I was a dick! I have been for a long time.. what I done to Hannah... Jess... You! I respect you Clay... you stand up for what's right... I know you're hurting... let me help You... like you helped Me"