13 reasons Why Not

chapter 26 - Karma

"Clay...? Are you ok...? Can you hear me...?"

I pressed the buzzer 10 times over... no one came.

I ran from the room shouting..."Someone help... he's waking up!!"

I smiled to myself... he's waking up.... he's gonna be ok...

I turned, still smiling and ran back into the room...

I froze...

Clay was sitting up... staring at me... staring through me like I wasn't there. He never looks at me like that... his eyes blank as if I was a stranger, I was scared...

"Clay... are you ok??"

He continued burning in his eyes through me...

"What are you doing here Hannah? Why are you here?"

My stomach dropped... I could feel my eyes filling with tears...

"Clay... I'm sorry... about everything...

...I love you!"

"Hannah... what?? You don't love me... look what's happened to me... how do you love me...?

... you've never even told me!"

I wanted to disappear... I couldn't speak... I couldn't move... what's happening??

I started panicking..

"Clay... no... I Iove you... please"

He looked directly into my eyes... he didn't flinch.

"Hannah... I don't need you...

... and I don't love You..."

I just stood there... my mouth open... a tear running down my cheek... I could feel myself shaking.

"This is your fault Hannah... go and don't come back...

...I'm better off without you!"

This is the point where I wake up... it's been the same every night... the same horrible dream...

I can't get it out of my head... the image of Clay not wanting me... no longer loving me... caring about me. No matter how hard I try it's there...

After that dream I sat for an hour by his side... crying... talking to him... praying he would wake up...

Praying I could explain...

He didn't... I couldn't...

So here I am, Clay's room a week on from that night... the same white and blue walls, my partner in crime still asleep...

The past 7 days and nights have been unthinkable... the only comfort I have found is talking to Clay and his mom... seen as Lainie broken inside and Clay can't talk, let's say It's been hard.

With that in mind I've decided to start writing again, it's as if it's my release... a way of venting my thoughts... my sadness... worries... a way to focus on the promise I made to Clay.

So sit back... relax... and let me fill you in with what's happened...

The trial... I'm sure you're intrigued for an update right?

Due to the recent turn of events it's been re-scheduled...

I couldn't do it...not without Clay...

My mom asked if I could face it... the moment she mentioned it i started panicking. I couldn't handle the thought of not being here with Clay... standing in that court room without him.