13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 24 - To Hannah

I felt nervous as I unfolded the pages... not knowing what to expect. Clays handwriting... it's so neat... makes me miss him more...

"Hey Hannah... it's me Clay"

My eyes became teary already...

"I need to start by apologising... I recently said that we had done the only thing I promised we would do, but never did... our bike ride, I loved that day.....!"

I smiled through my tears...I loved that day so much Clay, it was the best day ever.

"It's now come to my attention, there was another thing I promised I would do... but never got round to."

I sat wondering what Clay meant...

"I always promised I would write you... so here I am... writing... I hope you feel privileged Miss. Baker... I've never wrote a Letter to anyone...Better late than never I guess"

I smiled... he's cute... I remember us saying we would write each other...

"Hannah... I'm sorry...

I'm sorry for the way I reacted... the thing is I love you so much... it was a shock, you and Zack... I didnt have the right to be upset... that's your past, not your present."

Clay... you had every right to be upset... I should have told you... this is my fault... not yours!!

"I will come to the present shortly, first of all I want to visit my past... before you knew me... the old Clay Jensen..."

The old Clay Jensen...? I remember Clay when I met him, he was shy... he called himself socially awkward... he wasn't... he was cute.

"I've always been quiet... I've always been me, that's all I've known. Never the best at anything and I never stood out... i had a few friends... good friends but was never really popular."

I felt sad as I read Clay's words... you've always been you... you are the best person Clay... your perfect! I never cared that you weren't popular... did he think that?

Why didn't i tell him how special he was more... ?

"As you know I wasn't the most confident person around girls, I get nervous... I never connected with any girls... well apart from Skye. Untill I met you that is..."

"Before I met you there was even a roumer about me and Tony, apparently I was his boyfriend... mad huh?? Luckily that subsided over time... just in time for you to arrive"

It felt like I was learning more about Clay... it dawned on me I've never taken the real time to find out about his life... I love who Clay is... but everything has been about me! I felt sad... I'm selfish...

"You changed my life so much Hannah... you made me realise who I want to be... what I want from my life... for that I want to thank you... you brought out something in me i've never seen"

I started crying....

"I just wish I had been more brave when you first moved to town... if I had, so many of the things that happened could of been prevented... I don't know if I'll ever get over that feeling... "

Clay... this isn't your fault...!! I've made him feel like it was him...! I feel numb... someone so lovely... so genuine... he thinks it's his fault what happened...

" The moments we shared, wether it was sitting on the roof of the crestmont, working together, walking you home or dancing with you... I loved them all! Every time we were together, I learnt something new about you I loved".

I loved all of those moments Clay... they're all special to me. You constantly surprised me... you still do.

" Hannah... when you did what you did. It changed me... the thought you had gone changed my outlook on life... it's too short..."

"It's like I have a fire in me now... I feel so many emotions that I never knew existed"

I'm now starting to understand that feeling... the feeling that you can't speak to the person you love... you can't tell them how you really feel... It's destroying me...

"I always used to think there's time... things will happen when they're ready, I no longer see things like that"

"All I wished when you were gone was to tell you how I feel... show you! The day I learnt I had that opportunity was like a start of a new life... it was the best day ever"

The more I read, the more I can see everything Clay has been through... what I've put him through... he doesn't deserve any of it...

"Since that day I've tried my hardest to be there for you... support you... protect you... love you (that bits easy). I just hope I've helped"

Clay your the reason I am where I am now... without you I would have jumped that night...

"Now to the present! Hannah Baker... I love you so much... I couldn't describe it in words."

A small smile crept across my face...

"When I heard about Zack and Tyler... I was upset. Not because of what happened but I couldn't understand why you hadn't told me... why you felt like you couldn't tell me? Id do anything for you...."

It wasn't like that Clay... I didnt want to hurt you anymore... it's killing me that I have so much to tell you... so many things to say! But I can't...

Tears ran down my face, gently dripping onto Clays letter...

"The truth is Hannah I'm confused... not about how I feel for You, I love you... but more about how you feel about me..."

Clay I love you...

"I know you have been through so much... I'm so proud of you. Everything you've done, with so much madness going on... the last thing I want to do is to hurt you... push you"

"The whole reason why I wrote this letter is to tell you how I'm feeling... hopefully one day you can tell me when your ready. If you don't feel the same about me or if you want to wait... I'll understand... ill always be your friend no matter what happens"

Yours forever.... Clay.

"P.s I hope you right back....

Love Clay x"

My tears were uncontrollable... this is the lowest I've felt for a long time.

Clay... I don't want to be just friends... I want more... i want you!

My head dropped... I can't tell you... I might not ever be able to tell you...

You deserve someone so much better than me Clay... I want to be the perfect person for you but I've ruined everything...

I'm sorry Clay.... for everything...

My worst fears have come true... I never wanted to do this to him. It was the last thing I wanted to happen...

Why do you ruin everything Hannah...?

I know what I need to do...