13 reasons Why Not

chapter 32 - New Moon

Clays POV

With Hannah's parents at the store, we decided to hang out at hers. I couldn't face my mom tonight, not after todays events.

Sitting here watching Hannah study, it's like she helps me put things into perspective, she completes me.

Listening to what she accomplished today, It made me so proud of her. After everything that's happened, everything she's been through... she found the strength to stand up for herself.

Seeing the confidence in her eyes as she explained, hearing it in her voice. With every word she spoke I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed, it's as if I continually watch her grow into someone new.

Looking at how beautiful she is, the way her hair gently cascades, her never ending gaze...

This might sound crazy, but Hannah makes me realise you can do anything. When I'm with her everything is perfect, I can put everything aside... move forward with life.

When I'm not, it feels like my emotions win. Today they overcame me... they scared me.

I still can't explain what happened, I don't know where to start.

His words, they made perfect sense. It's like every question he asked, it made me think of what could happen... what I could do to Hannah.

What I could loose...

Thinking about it more, It also made me realise how much I miss him, how important he was in my life.

Maybe that's the reason saw him?

Maybe it was in my mind...?

All I know is, as hard as it might be I need to try and to control my emotions... work through them.

Looking back at today, my actions could have ended horrendously. Anything could have happened to Hannah, I hate myself for not being there.

I know I have to tell her...

Hannah's POV

Trying to study has never been so hard, all I can think about is what happened today.

Not just the fact that Clay disappeared, finding him in that room, seeing him like that... It shocked me.

Hearing him tell me what could have happened, what he wanted to do to Tyler... it made me realise two things.

Clay loves me, even more than I thought...

The fact he would do anything to protect me, albeit putting himself at risk. Im not for one moment saying what he was intending to do was right, but the fact he cares that much, he's the only person ever to do that.

Secondly... I underestimated my own feelings for Clay.

Today was horrible, I've never experienced feelings like that about anyone... the anxiety, I felt sick with worry. The moment I knew where he was, I'd never ran like that.

Looking up at him now, all I feel for him is love. I want to make things better, fix him. I'm just scared that theres more to it, does Clay need more help? Am I enough?

My own actions today were far from the Hannah Baker everyone now knows. Clays reaction was a picture when I told him, I don't think he believed it. The way he looked at me, I'll never forget it.

Although what I done felt good at the time, her final comment still haunts me..."I know your past Hannah, you're not that innocent."

It continually plays on my mind, what does she know about my past?