13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 4 - Hannah's Story

No one understands how scared I am, Helmet you're the only person I can talk to.

Im so worried, the last thing I want is for him to think bad of me.

"Clay, nobody tells you or imagines how you could ever feel so low. I still remember when my life was simple, easy, I had no worries... it seems like another life"

I felt myself becoming emotional, holding back my tears I continued.

"When I met you Clay I was in another place, It was dangerous. What can I say, I was naïve. I believed that all people were good, deserved a chance... I was wrong"

"I know I caused my own downfall Clay."

My head dropped, I felt so bad.

"No Hannah, you didn't! I can't imagine what you've been through, listening to those tapes, hearing your voice, thinking I was never going to see you again. Knowing what you went through, it nearly destroyed me"

I'd never heard Clay speak like that before, it shocked me.

I still needed to explain, I need to know he understands.

"I never meant to push you away Clay, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do... you've always been special to me."

I looked at Clay, his stare was so deep.

"Clay, after that night. I thought my worst nightmare had come true, I thought you hated me"

"No Hannah."

Clay sounded so different, there was a confidence about him I'd never seen.

"Clay, what I done to you was so terrible, it felt like I destroyed everything."

He held my hand gently as I continued...

"Clay, I feel sad that the only time I admitted I admired you was on your tape, I've always admired you. I love the fact you don't change for people, you are who you are are... I can't do that..."

I could feel myself welling up, my grip became tighter around Clays hand.

"Hannah"

Feeling Clay wrap his arm around me, it felt so warm... I felt safe.

"This is not your fault Hannah, don't ever think this is your fault. You're sweet... kind.... funny and beautiful, I was stupid not to see you weren't happy"

Watching Clay as he continued, I could feel the emotions in his eyes, something I'd never seen.

"After listening to your tapes, I couldn't believe everything you went through, I should have been there for you. Hannah, I want to be there for you, you can tell me anything, I mean anything... what happened Hannah?"

"Clay, that day was one of the worst of my life, not to mention a few others"

"I was in a dark place, I'm still broken. No one knows how happy it makes me knowing you're still my friend, are you sure you want to hear?"

His gentle smile was so kind, so genuine.

"If you need to tell me, I want to hear. I'm here for you Hannah, I'm not going anywhere... no more running"

Even though I felt so nervous, so scared. At that moment It felt like I could tell him anything.

"Okay helmet, this is what happened. I remember standing in my bedroom, looking in the mirror...."

This is it Hannah, your last minutes.

Everything has ended like this, everything you've dreamed of. It was a waste...