13 reasons Why Not

Chapter 9 - 13 Reason's why not.

Hey, Its Hannah

Yep, its 3am and I'm still awake.

Tonight was an experience to say the least, surprisingly though it made me realize a lot.

I'm still fragile, scared... I have a long way to go.

At the same time it made me think of everything good in the world, the  people I have in my life.

My Mom & Dad, Mr & Mrs Jensen.

Clay...

No matter how bad things get, no matter how upset or low I am... they will be there. The thought that I am loved, I have a reason and not just one.

Something Clay said tonight will stick with me forever,

"I love you Hannah."

Given everything I have done, he loves me... it made me think.

I have someone that loves me, someone that saved my life...

Maybe I am worth it, but I need to find me again.

Laying in bed I watched Clay sleep,  he looked so peaceful.

I couldn't sleep, I tried and tried but something inside me couldn't settle.

I began looking through my old laptop, pictures,  poems.... Memories. Some were good, some were bad... but  they were all mine.

Clicking from one file to another, I spotted something I completely forgot about. Something I couldn't even remembered creating.

ReasonsWhyNot.docx1

I sat there thinking if I should I open it.

Hannah, do you want to go back there?

DELETE....

They're not real, not now at least. Things have changed, I am changing. Even so the idea stayed with me, the question was though, who is Hannah Baker? What does Hannah Baker want?

As I began to think about everything my fingers started talking away at the keyboard...

1.Mom

She does anything and everything for me, there for me no matter what. Everything I do, she still loves me. I want to make my Mom happy... have good memories.... Especially after those horrible ones, she saved my life.

2.Dad

For everything my dad has done, he is my dad. He has always provided for me and loves me.... He has learnt lessons like everyone in life... I know this first hand... I have the scars to prove it.

3.Clay

I don't know anyone like Clay, he's special! He is sweet... Kind... he is everything I want in someone. He is genuine and I love that... he is funny... cute and I Love him. I can see a future with Clay... a happy future... I want him to be happy.

4.Mr. & Mrs. Jensen

Clay's parents are amazing... everything they have done for me... I can't thank them enough, seriously. They have supported Clay through everything and still want to help me... after everything I done.

5.Become a writer

I want to write... anything and everything... I love it! I think I could write something special someday, something that could help people; I want to make my stamp.

6.Help People

I have always tried to help people; unfortunately they have always turned out to be the wrong ones. I want to help people that are there for me... people that genuinely need help in life... maybe like I did... I would love that.

7.Have a family

Hannah you have so much love in you... I would love a family someday. A family to call mine, a home, special people to share everything with. Maybe with Clay..?

8.New York

Never been... I will!! No matter what it's for I want to go with Clay... see everything, Broadway, Manhattan, Times Square... if it's for a holiday... college... move there... I don't know but I need to see it.

9.Helmet

I know he's on here twice... I don't care it's my list. He saved my life tonight... in more than one way. I love you Clay Jensen.., you don't know it yet, you will one day I promise.

10.Hannah Baker

Hannah... I am promising you that from now on I will not let people into our life that will hurt us. This is our life, we are worth it. Times will be hard but we will get through this, we have the support we need.

11.Love

Love is hard to find... genuine love! I have this, I don't want to lose it... Mom... Dad... Clay... I love you all.

12.Go Travelling

I want to see the world... when I'm young... when I'm old, I don't mind either. I need to experience what this world has to offer, not just this town. I would love to travel with my partner in crime.

13.Justice

I need justice for what happened to me, not revenge... just justice. This can't happen to someone else... he can't put them through this. This may be my hardest reason... I can do this... I have everyone with me.

That's thirteen, I sat thinking about my previous list. I had only thought of eleven... two short.

Saying this, there was still one more reason why not. Something that was maybe my biggest reason.

14.Hannah & Clay x

Clay & Hannah – I think we could have a happy life... meant to be. I can see me being happy with Clay... I want to make him happy. This one tops them all.

Sat there looking at my reasons why not, I felt positive.

I could see so many reasons to be positive about my life.

I'm not saying I won't get upset or scared, this will be so hard. But I can now see that it's worth it, for the first time in a long time, I can see that I am worth it.

Clay... he looks so cute sleeping. I promise, one day you will find out how I feel about you. A part of me could wake you up and kiss you, a part of me would want to run. I don't want to hurt you, you will know soon.

One more day before my return to Liberty High, I'm still wondering what everyone will say?

We'll soon see...