Her Name Isn't Snow

Chapter 15

Jon still felt like something wasn't right. It wasn't just because he was unable to sleep that night, or because he was beyond the wall in Wildling territory, it was a feeling he couldn't quite place. He had a pain in his stomach and an ache in his heart. He felt anxious and sad for reasons he couldn't quite place. He found himself the next morning clutching his finger with the ring on it in his hand as if trying to hold onto it for some reason or other. He tried to shake it off the next morning but it was proving harder than he thought it would be. 

Despite the beauty the morning brought, which only made him think of her. How her hair was the color of the fresh frost and snow, those enchanting lilac eyes. He closed his eyes and pictured her as best as he could, which he was doing more often than not. He was worried he would forget what she looked like if he didn't try to picture her at least once a day. Yes, it contradicted with what he originally intended, to forget her, to not bring her memory to such a cold desolate place. But when Jon woke up the other morning he could not picture her, he couldn't bring her memory to mind and it frightened him to death. He grew panicked but after a moment he remembered. He remembered every detail and started to picture what their child would look like. 

Would she have his hair or hers? Would she have her heart-warming smile or his harsh demeanor? Her purple eyes or his muddy brown eyes? Thinking about it caused Jon to smile, but it would also break his heart. Yes, the child was his by blood, but it wouldn't be his in name. He would be an uncle that was rarely seen, like his uncle Benjen was to him. A father, but not. And her. It pained him to think he would never be able to see her or touch her ever again. That she would become a sister to him and that's what hurt him most. He would be thankful to see her again, but it would be torture to not be able to hold her, or kiss her, or make love to her ever again. 

Jon was snapped out of his thoughts when a young girl approached him.   

"Hello...who are you?" Jon asked hesitantly, knowing Craster specifically told the men not to talk to his daughters or wives.  

"I'm Gilly. Sam told me to find you, he told me that you would help me" she answered placing a hand on her stomach, indicating she was pregnant and from what Jon could see she was pretty far along. 

"Well he's wrong" Jon answered stiffly. 

"Please...he told me you'd help" she replied, as if not fully understanding his words. 

"I'm not even supposed to be talking to you, what makes you think I can help?" Jon said, harsher this time, trying to make the girl leave. He had enough troubles of his own, and he didn't want to add this girls troubles to the pot. 

"Sam said..."

"Like I said before, Sam was wrong, now you should go back," Jon said, shaking out his cloak that was covered in the morning's frost. Wordlessly, she left, Ghost walking towards him in his place. 

A little while later, like he expected, Sam came walking over to him. 

"Now why would you do that? She only wanted help" Sam reasoned. 

"And what do you want me to do about it? What did you think would happen? We'd smuggle her back to Castle Black?" Jon snapped, making Sam silent but only for a moment. 

"She thinks she's having a boy Jon, and do you see any boys around? What do you think he does with them?" Sam replied, but Jon remained silent. 

"There's nothing we can do Sam, leave it be" Jon grumbled, pulling his cloak of feathers back on.

"How can you be so cruel? What if it was your child in there?" 

Jon froze. He couldn't know, could he?