Lovely || Demi Lovato

What if?

|• Chapter 2- What if? •|

But I know some day I'll make it out of here,
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years.

A M E L I A

Waking up with the same grey walls surround me in a darkness which could only mean I've woken up before the dawn yet again.

Nightmares of my mother haunt me, creeping into the depths of my soul and chilling me from the inside, all the way to the outside, my hands being just as cold as I imagined her lifeless flesh to be.

Some nights, I see her, the mess of blood, and me, a screaming baby on the ground as nobody worried for me but rather my mother. That baby was in the same place I was now;

Alone.

Scared.

Cold.

Weak.

Other nights, I see myself, dead, and my mother beside me, beautiful brown hair cascading down her back in light waves full of volume. I see a pair of brown boots on her small feet. She wasn't a very tall women I could imagine, as I'm not a very tall girl.

No matter if it's a memory or a nightmare, each time I wake up in sheer panic, imagining the deathly scene in horror. She has given her life up to offer mine and I'm wasting it.

Hopefully she's happy in heaven, hopefully she doesn't resent herself too much for not aborting me like she should've done.

It would've saved her life.

Her life would have been so much easier if I was never born, never created or thought about.

She'd be happy with dad, maybe having a son who actually let her live a life she deserved, unlike me.

I had created so much unnecessary pain, and although it wasn't my fault that I was created, I couldn't be any less to blame.

If I just died, nobody would have to deal with me anymore.

It's the easy way out.

Yet I can't help but feel like I would hurt my father.

He may never be home, but I know he cares, even if he doesn't love me enough to even take time out of his day to ask if I'm okay.

Or maybe he just doesn't care.

Then I'd cause trouble, yet again, by leaving.

I'm just a burden nevertheless.

Hours went by, and I sat in the same spot on my bed, staring out the window, at the sky as if it would give me the answer.

Wishing my mother's angelic voice would deafen the screams of suicidal thoughts swirling my less than average mind.

"Amelia?"

"Hi, Dad." I breathed softly as for the first time in a week I caught sight of the man who called himself my father.

I would rather just refer to him as my sperm donor and living partner, or legal guardian.

"Why are you up already?"

If you checked up on me, you would know I'm always up this early, asshat.

"Oh, I really wanted to watch the sunrise. It's been really pretty lately." I smiled forcibly at him, my cheeks hurting and mind aching as I needed him to leave so I could just burst into sobs.

"Listen, I know I haven't been home lately, but you've been playing Demi Lovato's new album a lot, I got you a couple of tickets, if you want to bring a couple friends to the show." He smiled before leaving my room.

Sure dad, I'd love to be the socially awkward and an anxious suicidal girl at a mental health advocates concert with friends who could care less about me.

Pha, What are friends?

People who use you for opportunities like these?

I've got a lot of those.

No dad, I don't want to spend time with you and have you ask me if I'm okay and force me to tell you I want to die.

Bye dad, have a good day. I miss you.

I would never get to tell him any of that. That would require him to actually listen to me.

One day he's going to listen, and if not, he's going to realize, but I can't promise I'll be alive when he does so.

As many people say; you realise how much something meant to you once it's gone.

Maybe I'll just have to do that...

Disappear.

***

Hiii! It's crazy how many people have seen this story already, thank you guys so much!!! Tell us what you think of the story so far!? I promise it gets better soon 😏.
-Julia