Complicated Love

Is This Going to Work

Walking into his trailer, I see a few pictures.  All of which make me smile thinking about him traveling with them.

"They're my favorites." He sits at the small table, admiring them himself "I love having them here to look at after a long day.  They always remind me to keep going."

I continue to look at the one from our wedding.  We were so young, and so happy.  We didn't care about anything but us and our love... and now, ten years later I'd like to think it's the same, but is it?  Is it even close?

The next picture, one taken of me about two years ago, is one he's always loved.  He tells me he can practically hear the laughter from the moment captured.  The moment he playfully picked me up and threw me into the pool we were trying to clean.  I'm fully clothed, soaking wet, trying to yell at him through a laughter fit. 

"You were so mad at me that day.  I thought making you laugh was the only way I would survive."

"That's a mean thing to do, throwing your wife in the pool."

The last one surprises me.  I'm sleeping, hair all over with no makeup on, oblivious to the fact that he's taking a picture or that it'll be on display.  I didn't even know the picture existed until now.

"Don't be mad." He tries not to laugh while watching me "That's the one I use to show other guys when they comment about how hot you are."

Rolling my eyes, not believing that happens often, I join him at the table, getting the food for myself out.

Silence seems to take over us.  The all too familiar, too comfortable silence. 

Until he breaks the silence.

"About the whole 'we need to talk' thing... I agree, we really need to.  I just don't know where to start."

He's at a loss for words.  My husband, who can literally talk about anything and everything, especially when it comes to me or us, has nothing to say.  He doesn't know what to say. 

"What's going on with us, Brad?"

I try to hold back the tears threatening to form.  As much as I don't want to know this answer, I know I need it.

"I don't know, Jen.  I have no idea what's going on right now, but I know we've had hard times before."

"But not like this!  I feel like we're walking on thin ice.  Like we're going to shatter at any second."

"I know, I do too..." He stops talking for a little, trying to stop his own tears "What I do know, is that whatever this, whatever we're going through, we will make it out of.  I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and I will fight for us to work forever, it's just that sometimes we need to fight harder."

"But Brad, it feels like all we've been doing recently is fighting harder.  We have a few good moments, but then we're fighting with each other, leaving our relationship hanging on by a thread."

"Sometimes, sometimes I feel like we aren't married anymore.  Like we're best friends living together.  I still love you, and I know you love me, but our relationship needs work, and it just feels like we're constantly putting work in, but not getting anything out in return."

He can see that as I say this, the tears are falling freely.  His start falling as well, knowing that what I'm saying is true, but not having anything to help me feel better.

"Come here," He motions for me to sit with him "No matter what happens, or how hard this gets, there is nobody else in the whole world that I would rather fight for, or with.  We've been through hell at times, and I've seen you go through so much that you should have crumbled, but you're strong.  You're strong enough to make it through this, we're strong enough to work together and make it."