Complicated Love

Soon Time

"Do you think we should put the baby in with Liam, or in the office?"

I walk around the apartment realizing that we really don't have lots of room for this newest addition, and we don't have time to change that.

"Well all he really needs in the room with him is a crib and changing table.  The rest is already in with Liam's stuff, maybe we should put him in the office for now.  If we need to work during the day we can use the back porch until we go back home."

"It's not too little?"

"We're talking about a baby, Jen.  An infant.  He doesn't need much room."

"I know, I just feel like we could do more.  We really should have gotten the three bedroom apartment instead of this one."

I stand back, looking at how small the apartment seems with all of our stuff laying around.  It felt huge when we bought it, but has slowly become overcrowded.

"Well we would have if we knew we'd have them.  We bought this one almost 8 years ago now, we had no idea."

Brad points out the obvious, picking up some of Liam's toys as he walks around.

"I didn't expect him to take up this much room though."

"We just should have thought ahead."

"You were always saying we didn't need to worry about kids.  Trust me, I definitely thought about it.  The office is technically a bedroom, just a small one.  I looked into that before we bought the place."

"Why would you bother looking into all that?"

"I knew someday we'd agree on a family and need it.  Just didn't expect that day to be so many years later."

"Wow." I turn to walk away before I say something I know I'll end up regretting, but he clearly doesn't understand why I'm upset.

"Wow what?  What could I have done this time?"

"Did you think having a family was up to only you?  You act like this was a game or something."

"Jen I was with you for how long before we had Liam... I took notice to things.  I saw you light up around children, I saw how good you were with them every time we'd be watching kids.  I knew you'd be an amazing mother whenever it felt right for you."

"So you were just miserable, waiting for me to do what you wanted?  That's why we were always fighting?  You weren't happy because we didn't have kids?"

"No, there was so much more going on.  I wanted kids, I thought that was clear to you before, but I was honestly okay if we didn't have any.  I just wanted us to be happy, whatever it took to get that."

"But I was trying so hard to fix us, Brad.  I was trying all I could think of to help.  If you would have said this it would have helped.  We could have been so much happier those years."

"This isn't what I wanted then.  I wanted us, our relationship.  Kids are what I want now.  I would never change what we went through, it's made me appreciate what we have now so much more."

"I love you and these kids more than anything.  You guys mean everything to me, I'd be lost without all of you.  We had our hard times, and I'm happy we did because it proved how much we wanted to be together.  We wouldn't be nearly as happy apart as we are together.  And we have all we need."

"We really do.  We have all we need, but I still feel like we both went without for years.  I was happy with just you, Brad.  It just seems like you didn't feel the same way."

"All I need is you.  I knew from our first date that all I'd ever need was you, Jen.  I just wasn't good at showing it."

"But now we have so much more to be happy about, and look forward to."

"And it's pretty much all thanks to you.  You've gone through so much misery the past 8 months and you've handled it so much better than I ever could have.  I don't know how you do it."

"Honey there's a reason men don't have babies.  You're giant cry babies the second you have a sore throat, you'd never make it through pregnancy or birth.  It would be a nightmare."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

I sit with him on the couch, cuddling up to his warm body as I take a much needed break.  Liam is with my mom getting lunch and I finally have a free moment to myself in between getting everything ready for our newest addition and taking care of Liam now that he's super needy recently.

"We're going to have another baby in a month," Brad rests his hands on my belly, thinking about everything we're going through, "and our other one still can't be alone for more than 5 seconds.  We're really screwed."

"I know.  I'm excited but we should have been way more careful.  This is way too much in such a short time."

"Yeah, I'm mostly to blame for that and I'm sorry.  I really didn't expect this to happen.  I'm here for you though, even if I have to be at work the first two weeks, I'm still going to help as much as I can here.  And your mom is going to be helping, too.  You won't be alone, I promise."

"It just takes so much out of me.  I was exhausted with just him, the two of them is just going to he more stressful.  I wish I could skip to when they sleep all night at least, even if it's still hard during the day."

"You'll be fine.  You were amazing with him, you knew everything to do.  This time you have all you learned from the hardest days with Liam to help you."

"Brad, I had no idea what I was doing then, and I still have no idea now."

"I know, babe.  I know."