Complicated Love

Picnic

"Are you sure you want to keep walking? We can stop here if it's easier." My mom holds Liam's hand as we walk up the mountains of LA looking for the perfect picnic spot "You look tired."

"I am, but I want somewhere he can't fall over the edge while he's running."

"He'll be fine. He's going to sit and listen to us, right buddy?"

"Yeah!"

Liam jumps around as he walks, almost falling over a rock since he's not paying attention to anything.

"Be careful, baby. We don't want you getting hurt."

We finally find a quiet spot to sit, laying out our blanket and basket so I can finally eat since I'm starving and exhausted.

"Oh my God, this is so good!" I dig into the sandwiches we made, hoping I can keep them down later "Peanut butter and jelly with pickles is amazing."

"No wonder you're always throwing up, eating things like that."

"I still blame the baby. He's the reason I'm so exhausted too."

"I know, but he's going to be so cute. Especially if he's anything like his big brother. I always knew you and Brad would have cute kids."

"We did do good with him."

"But for whatever reason you didn't teach him how to eat very good. What is wrong with that child?"

"There's no lollipops. He doesn't like eating unless we have one to give him. Last night Brad had to bribe him with one."

I pull Liam on my lap, getting him to eat some of his sandwich, even though that means super tiny bites. He begs me for some of mine, but as soon as he gets near it he takes his and moves away from me.

"See, now he's smart."

I roll my eyes, continuing to eat my sandwich as we watch Liam pick at his.

"So how have you really been feeling? I can tell you're miserable, but something is different with you."

"I don't know... I'm just not exactly thrilled with where I am right now, I guess. I never expected to be pregnant this late in life, especially after being married for so long. It's just not what I always thought my life would be like.  Everything is just so unexpected."

"But honey sometimes that's good."

"But sometimes it just feels wrong. Very, very wrong. Like I've messed up somehow. Brad's wanted this for so long, but I just feel miserable, like I'm not happy about any of it, even  though I know I should be."

"Do you want this baby?"

"What? Of course I do. I just wasnt expecting everything to be happening right now, so fast. It's just hard sometimes."

"How?"

"I just got to be myself again, got my body mostly back... and here I am all stretched out and bloated again. I was finally wearing some of my favorite clothing, and now I can't even fit into some of my maternity stuff from him because it's too small. I just feel like I'm never going to get back to being me again, like I'll never get to be the old, fun Jen.  I know that isn't a big deal, but wearing my favorite things makes me happy."

"But the new you is so amazing. You've grown a whole human, you're working on another one, and you're such an amazing mother. I know it isn't easy, and you're constantly faced with hard times, but the outcome is so worth it."

As she says all this, I watch Liam running around us in circles. He has his half eaten sandwich in one hand, refusing to put it down even though we know he's done eating, and a random leaf in the other hand. He's so full of life, enjoying all the little things I hardly have time to look at. His happy attitude, even if he's constantly getting in trouble, is so worth all the pain and misery I'm in right now.

"... you're going to have a second child, someone else to bring you all this happiness. He's going to be the cutest big brother, even if he will be teaching the baby all kinds of bad things. You and Brad are so lucky to have this opportunity."

"I can't imagine my life without him anymore, but the thought of adding another one still scares me. Still makes me feel like I'm not doing enough since I had to drop out of filming... I don't get to do the things I love, but if I'm doing the things I love I'm away from the people I love."

"You'll have plenty of time to keep working and acting. Believe it or not, the world loves you. They aren't getting sick of you anytime soon."

"I know, I've just already noticed how all my opportunities have changed... and how Brad's haven't. He still gets the same roles, unless he wants different. I'm being asked to play the mom of teenagers instead of the single 30 year old... or whatever more boring character they can come up with. I just feel like I'm right back where I started with acting. In a tough spot."

"But you have such an amazing support system. Brad loves you so much, and Liam looks up to his amazing mommy. His little eyes light up every time he sees you on TV. He doesn't care who you're playing, as long as he gets to see you."

I think about how excited Liam gets when he sees either of us, on screen or off, and it amazes me to think of how happy we make him. As much as he's our world, we're his as well.

"Momma," He slowly walks over, sitting on my lap, pointing to my belly "Baby!"

"Yeah, that's right! That's your little brother!"

He wraps his little arms as far as he can around my belly, resting his head on it, getting the baby to start kicking again.

"See, you might not get your favorite roles anymore, and I know that sucks, but you're always going to have this. You have the cutest little family and nothing can take away from that."

"I guess we are pretty cute."