Complicated Love

Working Struggles

My long, exhausting day finally ends as I slump onto my mom's couch. Filling my glass with the wine she has out on the table, I take a deep breath and try to relax, thinking about my family I've been longing to see.

"Are you going to be able to stay awake drinking that much?" My mom walks in, handing me a plate as she sits down "You're going to fall asleep halfway through that glass."

"I know, but I need it. I love my job, but I miss them so much... and Brad said Liam's been really cranky."

"Jen I know you miss them, but he's a baby. He's probably teething or something. You'll be back with him soon."

"I shouldn't be drinking this..." I set the glass back down "I should be pumping. My boobs are going to explode soon."

She tries not to laugh, but I can tell she's finding my little misery funny.

"You're such a good mom. I know I don't tell you that much, and I've been a pretty absent grandma, but you're doing your best."

"... and the cutest little boy missed his mama soooo much that he flew all the way across the country to see her."

"What?"

I look up to see Brad walking out from the kitchen carrying Liam, who is looking around the room, examining everything he can get his tiny hands on.

He comes over to me, handing Liam over as soon as he reaches out.

"Aw, I missed you, buddy." I pull him closer, letting his tiny body curl up on mine "And you're in one piece."

"Did you really not trust Brad?" My mom asks, leaning over to see Liam "He's his father."

"And some days he can't even care for himself."

I notice Brad looking sort of hurt as I say these things, and really don't want to upset him.

"But I know he can handle this. He's always trying his best. He's the best dad ever."

"I try." Brad replies smirking "I think I'm especially good when I get him to sleep for longer than twenty minutes."

"You're definitely better at that than I am. I don't have enough patience."

"Does he sleep good once he falls asleep?" My mom takes Liam from me, finally getting to see him up close "He's way too cute to get upset at."

"I'd love to hear you say that at 3 am when you have to be up at 5."

I lean into Brad as he sits next to me, missing the way he wraps me up in his arms.

"Well, yeah that's not too much fun. You were a terrible sleeper for about 6 months to a year old. Before and after that you weren't bad, but those 6 months I think we each got about 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night."

"I'm just glad we were both able to be off the first few months." Brad says, reaching out for my wine glass "He's definitely getting much better sleeping wise. We got him up to about 4 hours straight and then falling back asleep after being awake about an hour."

I situate Liam so that he can eat once he starts to cry and instantly feel so much better about having to be away from him. I know he won't remember this, and doesn't really have any idea what's going on, but it still hurts me to be away from my baby.

"I actually kinda miss losing sleep because of him. At least that way it's worth struggling through the day. Here when I can't sleep there isn't any kind of reward."

I watch Liam as he continues to eat missing him more than I ever imagined I could miss anyone. Being away from him feels like there's a part of me missing. I've always missed Brad and my family when I'm away from them, but this is different. Leaving my child, even if he's with the best dad ever, is so much harder than I expected it to be.