Prompt: can you do a Changing Will prompt on Ethan and Wills first kiss in Wills pov?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’re frustrating. You’re so carefully guarded. But I can see past you just enough to know why Sonnet is always telling us not to turn you gay,” Ethan said.
Panic shot through me, but I disguised it as annoyance. “What are you talking about?”
“Sonnet may act like she hates you, but she’s been protecting you all along. Because she can see it just as well as I do now,” he said, nodding.
“What?” I asked, forcing my emotions back, keeping myself closed off and guarded from him. He couldn’t know. This couldn’t really be happening.
“Sonnet knew all along that you aren’t as straight as you claim. She saw the way you looked at Benji Bryant, and she knew it scared you. That’s why she didn’t want guys hitting on you. Because she knew it would freak you out. You’re not straight, Will,” he said.
“You’re crazy.” I glared at him, desperately trying to hide my fear. No, no, no. He couldn’t be right. He couldn’t know. I wasn’t gay.
Yes I am, I’m gay and I like him, and now he knows, shit, shit, shit
“Am I?” He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have to hide the truth around me. I’m not going to call you a faggot and beat you up. In case you hadn’t noticed already, I’m not exactly homophobic, Will.”
“Will Duvet is such a faggot!”
“What a fag.”
“Out of the way, faggot!”
“And I’m not exactly gay!” I said, irritation hiding my desperate terror. I wasn’t a faggot. “I’ve had girlfriends before.”
“So? That doesn’t prove anything. That’s like saying you can’t be fat just because you’ve eaten a salad before,” he said, always with his sarcasm.
I stood up and started heading towards his door. I had to get out of here and away from Ethan before I let my guard down. “Whatever. Think what you want. I know that I’m straight, and my sister know that I’m straight.”
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, looking into my eyes, his gaze steady. He was positive of what he was saying, and it was terrifying me. I wasn’t a faggot. I was not a damn faggot!
“I know you had a crush on Benji. Hell, maybe you still do. Wouldn’t that be the irony of the world? I had a crush on him when I first met him,” Ethan said.
No, I have a crush on you, because you’re right. I’m gay. I know I’m gay. I’ve always been gay.
I never had a crush on Benji,” I lied, trying pull my arm out of his grip so I could get out of here already.
“Stop lying to yourself, Will. Hell, this is probably part of why you’re so miserable all the time. You lie to yourself. Let me guess: at college, you told yourself you were happy when you weren’t. You told yourself you weren’t good enough when you saw your grades. And now you’re telling yourself you’re straight when you aren’t. How long have you known you like guys?”
He knows, shit he knows, and he’s right, I’m gay, I am a faggot, I’m gay, shit.
“I don’t!” I cried, feeling hysteria rising in me and forcing it down.
“You don’t? Then why did you keep holding my hand yesterday?” he asked.
The fight was leaving me, because I could remember how warm his hand had been in mine, how I just wanted to hold it forever and never let it go. “I told you…”
“You know it’s no use lying to me,” he said.
“Are you trying to blackmail me?” My voice had gone quiet. Was he going to tell my family? My friends?
“No, I’m trying to figure you out,” he said.
“I’ve want to be close to the type of person I prefer for so long,” I whispered, looking at him. His lips looked so soft. I had dreamt of kissing guys before, and here was Ethan, so cute, so complex. I reached out, lightly running my fingers on his lips, wanting to feel them against my own because I was gay and I knew it and Ethan knew it and there was no use hiding it from him. “Let me.”
He nodded and I leaned down, letting my lips finally meet his. He kissed me back, releasing my arm, and I let my hand slide up into his soft hair, feeling it curl around my fingers, our lips moving together.
And it was better than I could’ve ever dreamed. Warmth spread through my body as we kissed, and his lips were as soft as they looked. Something told me Ethan wasn’t exactly experienced with kissing, but he wasn’t doing so bad.
We broke away from each other, and the reality of what I had just done hit me. I stared in disbelief, unable to believe to I had really given in to another boy, that I had finally kissed a boy, that I was really just going to throw myself back to the homophobes and listen to their cries of “faggot” all over again. I didn’t want to relive that nightmare.
“Not so bad, is it?” he said, and he was right, but I couldn’t do this, I had to hide my sexuality, I didn’t want to be bullied for it again.
“I should’ve have…I’m not gay…I didn’t mean to…” I ran a hand through my hair, gulping and forcing my emotions back behind the protective wall I had so carefully constructed over the years.
“Will, stop hiding yourself. Let someone in,” he said gently, and I so badly wanted to let him in.
But, like I did with everyone else, I pushed him away from myself, glaring at him. “If you tell anyone, I swear I’ll kill you.” My voice was a vicious snarl. No one could know I had kissed Ethan.
“What an original threat. Truly, I’m terrified. Now, listen to me,” he said.
But I didn’t want to listen to him. I didn’t want him to assure me that my sexuality was okay. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to be alone. I just wanted to be away from everyone.
“No!” I snapped and yanked his door open. “Leave me alone you fucking creeper! Stay away from me! Stay out of my house! Don’t ever talk to me again you goddamn, pathetic waste of space!”
I stormed out of his room, hating the words I had just said to him. I didn’t want to hurt him. But if hurting him was the only way to keep him away from me, then I would do it. As I left his house, I lightly touched my lips, feeling tortured because I wanted so much more, but I knew I could never give in to my urges for Ethan.
