イタズラな KISS ~3 ✔

INK3-12

Epilogue Twelve: Secret (Part One)

"Grandma, please don't!"

I screamed when Grandma Yoshida attempted to call Irie-kun again. I tried to reach her but she won't even allow me to be near her.

"Why won't you tell me the reason you're at the train station?" she asked again.

"I told you... I was seeing my friend left off. That's the truth..."

I lied again and I am planning to stick onto that until the end. I won't let her know the real reason and that is... I am leaving Irie-kun.

"Judging how you look right now means there is something wrong. Why won't you tell me, Kotoko-san?" she managed to intrigue me until the end.

I felt she was moving towards me while I keep my eyes on the ground. Before I could stop it, tears started to flow like streams... and all of them hit on my feet. Grandma Yoshida probably noticed it.

"I am going home,"

I declared and wiped my tears off to my face.

After a while, I managed to chin up and talk to her, "Thank you for having me here, Grandma but I won't run away anymore. I am going home." I smiled a little just to reassure her.

Grandma Yoshida didn't look like she believed in what I've said. She just stood there in front of me with that kind of straight face. Her arms were crossed on her chest while her right hand was holding her phone.

"You really won't tell me?" she asked again, "If that is so, it seems like you are planning not to tell that to everyone including your husband." she continued, "Kotoko... I know you are stupid but keeping things for yourself won't make you feel all right. You have to let that part go... you have your husband, you vowed to share anything to him. Why won't you use that?"

Because I don't want him to feel bothered... This is nothing compared to his dreams.

"Don't worry about me, Grandma. This is really nothing. I mean, I am so overly indulging in my emotion that's the reason why I overreact like this but I think I feel better now. I am going home now, Grandma. Just take care. And also you don't have to call Irie-kun, I will go home tonight. It's already past midnight. They must be so worried about me..."

"They are worried about you right now because you just ran away from home. You were there at the train station to run away. And I also see that you are not coming back home. You intend to run away forever. What I don't understand is your reason for leaving... are you leaving your husband? The Kotoko that I know is not someone to do something like that... the Kotoko that I know is someone who won't leave her husband even if death will do her apart. What happened, Kotoko?"

I just remained silent and processed how Grandma Yoshida managed to read the situation very well.

I turned my back and went towards the door.

"I'm going home..." I repeated.

Grandma didn't say anything after that. She just watched me leave... but she already knew the reason very well. She just figured it out.

"I won't tell him, Kotoko-san. If that's what you want," she added, "I know you have reasons but I don't think that what you are doing right now will be the good of all. If you only intend to hurt yourself please don't act selfishly and hurt anyone..." she said like she was trying to make me realized of something I didn't have thought of.

I was walking on my own in a dark cold street. My tears keep running on my cheeks. It never stopped. My head went into a bang while my stomach was feeling hungry but I don't have an urge to eat. Things happened again in my mind, replaying back and forth... Irie-kun's face with his smile. Seems like things aren't going well... should I tell him?

But the answer will still be a no. I can't tell him. I can't tell him that I'm going to be blind forever. I can't tell him...

My feet reached home even if my mind was full of explosion and undying thoughts. The sky was so dark but the light in the room was still on. I wonder how everyone was doing...

Did I scare them?

Were they worried about me?

Is this the right thing?

I wonder if leaving Irie-kun would mean everything. I wonder if this is all right. But I really don't want to be a burden on him. He has his dreams. He loves his work. I could not take away those from him. I could not ask him to keep an eye on me. Irie-kun has been lifeless ever since and this is the only start of him to know what his heart truly desires. I should support him until the end. I am not going to be a hindrance.

I cannot knock on the door. I can't. I have no force to do that. I just stood there outside in the front door with tears rushing on my cheeks. I can't just barge in and say 'I'm home'.

Irie-kun...

"So where did you go, Kotoko?" his voice came out from the back.

He's here! He's here! He really saw me! He went and tried to find me instead of preparing for becoming a pediatrician!

"If you keep on pulling a prank like this, how long will you bother everyone? How long will you keep on making us worry and find you?!" his voice rose as he kept on walking close to me.

"I'm sorry..." I half-whispered.

"And what was that? Tell me what did you think of writing that letter? You're meaning of not coming back right? Are you planning to run away from home because I could not grant your wish on having a vacation to Okinawa? Aren't you thinking for my sake? Did it ever cross to your mind that I have work to do and I couldn't keep up with you with silly things in your mind! For Pete's sake, I am a doctor! I went home tired and I just found out that you are still not home? That you ran away and not intending to come back? Why are you so selfish, Kotoko? I can't understand you being like that!"

Tears won't stop running...

Really, I am a selfish woman.

A bad wife for him.

How could I marry him? I can't go on, and to stay with him being like this. I wish I could turn back time where Sahoko-san and Irie-kun have a marriage meeting. I wish I never had thought of marrying someone... of marrying him. I wish I could have just thought to be alone forever. If I found this eye disease before I married him, things will not be difficult like this.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and shook my head.

Tears fall on the ground. There like patterns of my pain.

"Please don't do this again. I hope you won't create a situation where you only want everyone to be worried about you. I hope you learned a lesson, Kotoko. You make things harder for us if you keep on doing like this." he said and went inside, leaving me around here.

'...you make things harder for us if you keep on doing like this.'

Can someone tell me how can I not be a hindrance to him?

I wish him to be happy. I really do. But I can't give him more of that. I can only give him pain. I am not good enough for him. I am always such a failure... my love failed him. I can't let him suffer throughout his love.

If I only knew this would happen, I wish I could stop loving you, Irie-kun. Seems like my love only gives you a lot of troubles.