イタズラな KISS ~3 ✔

#What if-6

What If Series Six: When Did You Fall Out Of Love With Me?

I was literally out of my mind while my heartbeats were going into a crazy pattern. I couldn't sleep well when I got home last night. All I did was to stare at the ceiling while my tears were finding their way down to roll on my cheeks. I can't believe it, that in just a blink of an eye... after the moment of happiness, someone had taken them away from me. Someone did. And I didn't have even a single chance to protect them when in fact, I was the fucking last one to know... I can't accept that my precious lovely daughter... has died before me. And I know I have to be strong to withstand all this shit but it just fucking hurts... every remaining second of my life fucking hurts... I totally forgot my pace... as my career and passion... all I know is I am nobody. I changed into a nobody after I know what happened to them. The quiet place always reminds me of happy giggles I used to have in every corner of this house. I can remember them everywhere, their smell, the fruity cologne of the dress of my daughter had made me think that she's still alive... and I tried to act sane... to keep myself in it.

I know I must be hallucinating all over again... seeing them look fine in the kitchen counters, in the desk... in the living room. I want to believe it's true... but if I can't accept it... then I am not strong enough. My daughter... wanted me to be strong for her mom. And it's hard for me to do that... I don't even know where I can start... and maybe, I will start it from blaming myself... blaming myself for not treasuring them much. Blaming myself for not doing all I can when in fact I was very capable to be with them and I just chose not to... I chose my job over for them... then what I am now? Who I am now? This is not the Irie Naoki that I know from before... I don't know anymore.

"Kotoko is still far from waking up." Samuel sat beside me on the bench. "She's still in the critical condition," he added and I just crossed my fingers and hope for some miracle to come. Please... help her this time again. I was asking for some hope from above because I desperately need it now. I nodded at his information and I tried to understand it even if there are thousands of questions that have already crossed in my mind.

Why does it have to be them? Why does it have to kill my daughter? Why does it have to put Kotoko in that kind of condition? What wrong they have done to deserve it like this?

"I'm sorry about Kotomi. I didn't save her," he told me. "Among them, she was the one who was badly hurt after the accident. She was found under the car, already bleeding... already had her head crushed. It just a moment left to bring her into the hospital but... she didn't make it. I'm sorry, Naoki Ni-chan." he sincerely told me.

"It was my fault," I told him... I crossed my fingers, still overlooking the blame that I put onto myself. I really did become a doctor... and I couldn't even hasten my pace in times of their emergency.

"What about her funeral? Have you already set up a date?"

I nodded again, "It will be happening on Sunday."

"Ah. I'll go and see her." and he got something from the pocket of his coat, "Ah. I found it inside her small bag. It's a paper." he gave it to me. "I think you deserve to keep that for her." he stood up and I can't dare to open it now... thinking that I will go and act insane again... repeating what I did in those previous nights. "Thanks." it was almost a whisper but actually I was bound to break down, this familiar scent of paper and shade of crayons slowly breaking my heart because it was indeed a part of my daughter.

"And you can come to the emergency room if you want. You can see Kotoko. I believe you are strong to see her lying so cold like that... but perhaps, you have the right. But it really depends on you, I understand your situation." he told me and tapped my shoulders, "You have to be strong, Ni-chan. You still have Kotoko. She definitely needs you when she recovers."