Dear Diary ↬ NoMin

six.

Dear Diary
September 17

It's Saturday and I fucked up.

My mom's mad at me. Haechan, Chenle, and Renjun won't talk to me. Jeno hates me and is homophobic. And the school is scared of me apparently now I'm a "huge school bully".

It's only been two weeks of my 11th year.

What the fuck Na Jaemin.

I hate myself so much.

—

Apparently now my mom has grounded me for a week for fighting and swearing at people at school and won't let me leave my room expect to come and eat. I can't even play with my cat!

I feel bad for what I did to Donghyuck and I wanna hug him and say sorry. I don't even want to go to school anymore.

Anyways I have no electronics with me. They were taken away. All I have is my diary, books, homework, and my imagination.

"Why? Why Na Jaemin?" I questioned myself.

"Why'd you hit Haechan and insult him?"

"Why'd you punch Jeno?"

"Why didn't you tell the truth to the principal?"

"Why'd you slam your door on your mom?"

"Why can't you control yourself?"

"Why are you so fucked up?"

I answered all those.

"Because I was angry."

"Because Haechan didn't understand why I was so mad."

"Because I hate Jeno"

"Because I was afraid."

"Because my mom can't teach me life lessons I have to teach myself."

"Because I'm stupid and ignorant."

"Because I hate myself and I have anger problems."

I laid on my bed and starred at my wall for at least 15 minutes.

"I'm such a bad friend," I said to myself. "Donghyuck shouldn't be treated like that."

I let my tears go. They went on for 30 minutes until my mom called me down to eat. I quickly washed my face with water so my mom wouldn't look at my red face.

We had a quiet dinner until my mom broke it.

"I heard what you said in your bedroom," my mom said. "You're not stupid or ignorant, Nana, you're just immature."

"I know," I said biting on to my chicken.

"And you're right nobody else besides yourself teaches you a life lesson unless you truly deserve it." My mom said. "I'm proud of you for thinking like that."

"Thanks, I guess." I said.

"Who's That Jeno kid?" My mom asked.

Shit. She doesn't know. What. The. Fuck.

"Uhmm.." I put my fork down. "Mom...I'm not interested into girls. I'm gay."

"You're Gay?" She put her fork down. She had a frown but her frown turned into a smile. "I have a secret to tell you Nana!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Your dad and I divorced because well we told you we just didn't like each other." She smiled brighter. "We actually divorced because I came out as a lesbian and just didn't like your dad anymore. So we divorced and I actually have a girlfriend."

"R-Really!?" My has dropped. "What's her name?"

"Her name is Kim Yoonseo." She smiled again. "You'll meet her in October."

"Why October?" I asked.

"Well she's korean but she lives in New York," my mom explained. "Anyways did you like Jeno?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." I said. "I liked him ever since freshman year but just yesterday I found out he's straight and then ya know that fight."

"Ugh Na Jaemin," mom shook her head. "You have to control your anger."

"I know," I said. "But how am I supposed to if Jeno is being an asshole towards me, lied to get out of lots of trouble and my friends won't talk to me! Not even Renjun and I haven't even known him for like a week yet!"

"Jaemin, you just have to use empathy and calm down." She said. "Be smart about your words and thinking Nana. Think before you do. When you slapped Donghyuck, you didn't think before you actually did it did you?"

"No, I just slapped him out of nowhere." I said feeling super guilty.

"Well next week say sorry to him and the rest," my mom grabbed something from the kitchen. "Here's your phone. I'm trusting you to behave well with it."

"Thanks mom," I smiled.