Star ; Bastille

Star ; 15

20/01/19

I wait outside of the therapists office. I feel like I'm resembling a child who has been naughty and got sent to the head teachers office. It feels uncomfortable in here. I'd rather talk to my sister about my personal life than a stranger...but this woman has made my wife happy. Maybe she can make me happy? Not that I'm a emo or anything, it's just I feel depressed but I hide that away from my family. The depression has just got worse since Lena died.

"Mr Smith..." the woman's voice trails off as she pops her golden head around the door with a big smile. She seems way too joyous to be a therapist. With that I falsely smile and stand up. I put the magazine I was pretend to reading down.

No one why I was getting off looks from the other women and men who patiently wait. I picked up a kids magazine without knowing. Now I'm gonna seem like a right weirdo. "Just through here..." she announces pointing to her room whilst standing at the door. I make my way in and sit on the seat which is nearest to the door.

I'm not good with blurting my emotions out.

"It's very uncommon that one of my patients suggests that I see one of their spouses." I smile nodding my head. "My wife is...extra." I try making a joke but once the woman shuts the door and takes her seat in front of me, she doesn't look overly impressed. "Yeah but no...since our daughter past away things between us have got..." thankfully I don't have to say the reason. She nods her head. I mean it's weird how Lila must've told her that our sex life has been...suffering. I mean not that I give a shit. I've just got back into the grooming routine...that's a big deal.

"It's normal for what you both went through. You're scared it'll happen again." I mean yeah...

"It's not just that I'm scared that's going to happen again. It's just that I don't think neither of us are ready. It seems disrespectful..." not only disrespectful but I'm just so unhappy and doing stuff like that will make me feel worse instead of better. "It's not disrespectful. I told this to Lila and I'll tell this to you, okay. You've both moved on so quick. I'm not saying that you've mourned in the wrong way because there isn't any right or wrong in this painful process."

True.

I then establish that I probably should be a little less reserved with this woman. Anyone who Lila trusts...I trust. I know I'm going to regret that one day, but I need to help myself in order to help my family. "We've been having issues over privacy..." My voice nervously trails off. "Lila doesn't want to talk about it because we've moved house...but there's a possibility that fans are everywhere." That didn't sound specific enough. "I mean"— my voice trails off as I shake my head — "I'm famous and I have a lot of teenage fans. They're everywhere I go with their phones in their hands." The therapist nods her head.

"In your opinion...do you think you have of communication with your wife?" I shrug my shoulders backwards. "We don't keep any secrets from each other?" Literally...even our mental healths and stuff. We're there for each other. "No. I mean do you talk about your feelings. If she does something you don't like...do you tell her?" I shale my head.

The therapist leans back in her chair. "Tell me the Dan...what does Lila do that pushes your tethers?" I don't want to say. She or only is going to report this back to Lila.

But I have to be honest. "I don't like Lila pushing away Bastille from me. Bastille and our little boy, Grayson, are the only things keeping me from ending it all. I want to be with my daughter more than anything, I really do. I don't like her reminding me every single day that our little girl died in my arms." There's a lot of things that I don't like. But I've been taught to shut up and be a good husband. The wife knows best.

"Wait" — the woman looks at me startled — "you've had suicidal intentions?" I don't say anything.

I just nod my head.