Star ; Bastille

Star ; 24

"I didn't know you've taken up smoking again." Lila whispers looking totally disgusted with me. "Says the biggest chain smoker in recorded history." I sarcastically say whilst inhaling the thick smoke. "You're turning into a suicide boy, day by day...you know that right?" Without words I told my head in her direction.

"Suicide-huh?" With that Lila looks the other way. "Suicide boy. My home boy became a suicide boy. It's something you call a boy who is broken. You're thirty two years old Dan. Grow up out of your grunge phase already" — Lila crosses her arms whilst we watch Gray run around like a butter in the play park — "it's fucking embarrassing for us just as much as it is for you." Grunge phase?

All because I've taken up smoking again.

I stopped smoking the second I saw my baby boy. I felt how precious he is...how my son needs me. Before that I couldn't give a shit if I died or whatever, but at that exact moment in time...I just had the urge to quit. I didn't have any withdrawals or anything. But now I'm torn between my two kids...life and death.

In the moment of silence I just...fucking sing. Not even good...or anything. I just feel like singing and I'm beyond the point of giving a literal fuck.

One day it's fine and next it's black
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

I don't even know how I thought of that song...or why that song...instead I press the cigarette against my lips as Lila makes an 'ugh' sound. "You better not deny your a suicide boy after that." I look at my wife and shake my head. I'm only telling the truth, just like Gray.

"Why the fuck are we more miserable here than when we was at home?" Maybe it's because I'm not allowed to go near her...after spending months of being close to them both. It fucking sucks. "Ask your parents." I'm not saying Lila needs to girl up...but she does. She isn't 'Evangeline' anymore. Lila is Lila...my Lila who is a completely different person. I know she is scared but I'll help her hold her ground. She can't let her parents walk all over her...not now and not ever.

"Don't bring my mom and dad into our bullshit. Believe or not they care about me and Gray. I know they do." Not to be selfish or anything but what about me? "And me?" I whisper as Lila shrugs while Gray waves at us both. I don't wave back, instead I smile while Lila doesn't do anything. "They don't care about you." I whisper knowing that old man Tom was right. If they did love her they'd...show it a lot sooner. They would've never of went this long not seeing their own daughter...

"That's real fucking nice Dan. Real nice." Lila goes to stand up but I grab her wrist. No way are we going through marital problems now. No fucking way. Not over her shitty parents...I won't allow it. "What's the matter with you? Huh? What's the matter?" With that Lila smiles as she starts to tear up.

"I had a nightmare for the first time in my life...last night. And I'm guess I'm fucking pissed off that you wasn't there...that my mom of all people came rushing in and telling me that it's nothing but a dream. And where the fuck was you? You could've sneaked in through the door or something. Why didn't you stand up to them?" Wait...she knew I tried to bargain with her parents. I wanted to stay.

I still do. What the fuck?

"Lila I fucking tried!" I slightly raise my voice as Gray in the corner of my eye stops having fun on the swings. Oh god. "Let me go." Lila whispers looking at my hand holding her wrist.

"Please...let's get out of this place. You're acting crazy." With that Lila laughs and nods her head. "I'm the crazy one? You're fucking insane. Look at you trying to hurt me." I shake my hand off of her wrist. I didn't mean to hold it tightly...I just want to wake up I guess.

"I'm so sorry..." I whisper just feeling the urge to apologise and tear up. Lila turns around and walks away back in the direction of her parents Manor House.

We need to get out of this place...it's barely been a day since we arrived here. What the fuck is going on?