Star ; Bastille

Star ; 33

I told Chrissy everything.

Every single detail that I know of. She's getting a divorce too...Bastille is of course non-existent. The only reason why I'm living right now is because of the weekends. Every weekend I get to see my little boy. It feel great to see him, to play with him. But that happiness goes when he goes home and I have to wait another five days until I see him...

I can't live like that. I've tried. I've really fucking tried.

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to brave the inevitable and I'm going to be with her. Gray has his mum, as much as Lila was a shitty wife...she's a caring mother. Lena on the other one doesn't have anyone. There must be an afterlife because she's a fucking ghost. The entirety of the bottles sleeping pills are gone. I'm starting to feel the effects...but I don't care

Or maybe it was all in our heads? Gray could be damaged, he saw his sister in such a bad state. Lila could've just had a nightmare after all of that...and me...I'm a sleep deprived depressed wreck. I'm going crazy. I'm tired to living. No fucking therapists or medication will help that...I'm sick. I'm tired. I want to be at peace.

My wife is a cheat and my son doesn't need me. My family think I'm melodramatic and my friends don't really understand how I feel like they tell me they do.

But I'm not going without a note. I'm not that type of person. I don't want to leave them hurt...these people can and will move on. I know they have it in them. Instead of writing a note for my mother, or father...or Fran. I simply write it for Gray. I know no one will let him open it up until he is like 21 or whatever. It would be for the best...just like me not being in his life will.

Even I know this is fucked up. The only reason why I'm crying is because I'm going to miss him so much. My little boy who likes the night sky and fireworks. I never did get around to making him a song. That's how fucking selfish I am. And I hate myself for it. I truly do.

Gray.

I write in my best handwriting...even though it's hard to keep my hand from shaking. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't even write a suicide note without fucking up.

I love you. It sounds really fucking cheesy but I do! You're the best thing that has ever happened to me mate. You and your sister...made me the happiest guy in the world. You reminded me so much of me. Your face is an open book for starters, you're cocky but polite and you have good come backs. I love your brutal honesty...you are a person is everything I want to be. We're the same...but we're not.

I don't know what my point is. I just need him to know my love. I can't go without fucking telling him...even if it is just in black ink.

You're older when you're reading this. I've been gone for a couple of years and you know what...it's okay. You might even be reading this next to your own family, if not - I ain't judging...but even though I really don't like her...your mum expects grandkids. If you're reading this and your like a teenager then...this is going to fuck you up. You might be so angry that I left you. You can burn this...run over it....rip it...

The only thing I care about is you mate...and you need to know that through all of the hate I might get after I do this...none of it was your fault. None. In fact you was my little anchor. Go and have an adventure of your own...I made a Legal Will a few weeks back and you should get every single thing I own. Everything. I advise you...just to flog it all. Get all the money and use my name to...sorry. I mean...just do why you want. I have no right telling you how to live your life when as you can tell...I'm fucking shit at it myself.

I'm sorry for this mess. All of it. And you know what I'm thinking right now...I'm thinking about that stupid Captain America toy. You forgot it and...every time I look about it have this urge to cry because you love it so much.

I love you man. I really love you. Don't ever say different because I will fucking haunt you. Stay safe

- Dad xxx

That's when I put down then pen and close my eyes. That was horrible. Before the tablets make me even more drowsy...I manage to pull a piece of paper close enough to me. I then scribble 'I'm sorry' as I start getting pains.

With that I lay back on the bed pushing the paper to the side of me. I look up at the ceiling and almost laugh in nerves seeing Lena reaching her hand out. I nod my head a little and close my eyes as I feel her take it...like she's really here.

This is it....

Last little note — I'm really bored of this book and I have been since I started haha! As you can tell by it's complicated storyline and my non-existent editing or attention to detail. I can tell that majority of you guys don't like the book as much as 'Him' either. So I'm going to end this one and start one that I like writing. It's a Dan Smith fanfiction called 'Dad', I'll link it in the comment section below! Anyway guys! Thank you for reading this (if you are) I sincerely apologise for it's quality! Love you!