Star ; Bastille

Star ; 26

I look up at the ceiling of the motel in silence. I sniff a few times but I just keep on crying. I know that I'm pathetic...and that's okay I guess. Unlike last night me and Tom didn't have a long talk. He smiled and told me that everything is going to be okay sooner or later. I'm not sure if...he knows exactly why to say to a guy like me. I manned up for a second or two and falsely smiled...I agreed and then locked myself away in my cold room.

I haven't had dinner, just like last night. I haven't eaten properly since the night before we got on the plane, even on the plane I left half of my food. It's okay, I'm not a big eater. I can survive on that vending machine all my life if I want...I don't really mind or care. I haven't even got changed into my nightclothes, this morning Lila dumped my clothes in a brown paper bag and gave them to me. That was the start of her being mad at me...mad for no actual reason.

Lila had a nightmare. Big deal. When I have a fucking nightmare she slaps me across the cheek and tells me to snap out of it...because I'm 'interrupting' her beauty sleep. It used to make me laugh and calm down, but now thinking about it...about everything...Lila never seemed to care about me. Not like how I care about her. There's other small details that I can remember, like when I'm ill...compared to when she is ill. It feels like the whole revolving world comes to a sudden stop when Lila throws up or whatever. When I feel sick she effortlessly points to the nearest toilet and continues to watch her afternoon gameshow.

I don't mind of course, I promised that I'd be there for her through sickness and in health. I will try to maintain and keep that promise forever if I have to.

But still...I'm all alone and with nothing but my thoughts. Instead of overthinking this whole situation which will probably fade away like most disagreements do I close my eyes. I think about happy things...like Gray...I think of the time when he lost his first tooth. Gray was a state and in pain...so I told him to wobble it. Gray gave me the look of 'don't be stupid' never had his young mind ever heard something so...absurd. But he did it, two seconds later...it was that dead...it's popped right out and Gray found it hilarious. He kept laughing and was so proud that he was finally growing his 'big boy teeth'. Lila was angry that I have him ice cream...but I don't care.

That's when I hear a noise...a crying noise. I open my eyes and sit up...only to stare at a woman...standing right at the very foot of my bed. She's wrapped in a floor length white dress...her face is pale white and her eyes are almost black. I'm scared. I can't physically say or do anything. It's like I'm frozen to the spot.

The woman doesn't come any closer, but she doesn't go anywhere. Something seems off with her...strange. Not just a scary looking...demonic presence staring at me. My mouth is wide open in horror but I can't scream. Instead I just look at her, the more I look...the more I begin to feel...feel like I've found something that I've been looking for. I'm terrified but I feel wholesome.

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. It hits me quick and hard...this woman...ghost...it's my daughter. "Lena?" I whisper standing up. I mean...I know that it might not be, but...I feel it in my bones that it's her. Even though I never heard it I know her cry. "Lena...it's okay." I whisper nodding my head reassuringly as I try to get close to her.

The black haired ghost looks terrified too. Like I've just woken her up or something. He moves back looking threatened by my presence. "It's me Lena...it's daddy." I feel stupid saying that, she looks my age, maybe slightly younger. I can't tell because of her dark eyes.

"You told me..." she literally chokes out each word like she's in pain. "That it was okay if I...went." She heard. My baby heard my pleads.

Oh no.

"Lena. It's okay now. It's okay..." I immediately cry as she violently shakes her head from left to right. "It's not okay!" She heavily breathes looking terrified. "I'm scared. I've been so scared..." the more she talks the more she sounds normal. She would've been British just like me. Looked just like her mum but has jet black hair.

"I wasn't scared when you held me in your arms." She shakes her head softly as she holds out her arms. "Do you remember that? I died." I take a deep breath in.

"Don't...go...Lena. Stay here. Haunt me, you will never have to be scared again." What the fuck am I doing?

"Come with me...please." With that I shake my head slightly as I try and think about Gray. He needs me. As much as Lila night disagree with me at the moment I know that he needs me. "Lena. You're not alone okay. I promise you that..I think about you everyday." With that she nods her head. "I know daddy." With that I take a deep breath in.

"I love you...so much." I want to swear...but I don't think that would be a responsible thing to do. Not in front of my dead daughter.

"I'm tried!" She almost screams as she breaks down crying. "Me too." I whisper as she dives onto my bed. I then sit next to her...and lay backwards as I feel her cold breath on my neck like she's really here...the weight of her body like she's real. "Go to sleep okay." I hold the side of her cheek as she nods her head. "I love you...so much." With that I just...lay next to her, I don't sleep I don't do anything. Seconds later the weight of her goes off of my body, I look down in panic only to see her...oh god...as a baby again.

A small, tiny, fragile baby. I scoop her up in my arms and hold her tightly. For the first time I protect my little girl.