Hidden: Strings of Fate

CHAPTER 60

He grabbed me and embraced me tightly.

"I'm never letting you go again... You're mine... only mine. I'll kill anyone who says other wise. The only way I'm going to let you go is through death." My eyes grew bigger. Luckily he couldn't see it due to the fact that my face was against his chest.

"Honey," he spoke. I tried to look at him but he kept my head close to his chest. I could feel our hearts beating as one. We were in sync. "Do you know how long and hard and tiring it's been to try and keep them hidden? They're really strong feelings and they've never stopped. I tried so hard to transfer my feelings for you onto another but I failed. You mean more to me than my life. I know we have grown up together and that maybe one of the reasons why this is so crazy and not right. But I don't care anymore. How is it possible that I only see you when we're in a crowd? Call me crazy. Call me an idiot. Call me stupid even(!) I don't care..." he put his on hands on my cheeks.

His eyes... they were looking at me the same way when we first met. They were warm, comforting, longing. "But what I do care about is you getting hurt because of me. What I did before was stupid and irresponsible. I should have let you know as soon as I found out what he did and I'm sorry for that. I know what my brother did to you was wrong and he shouldn't have done what he did. But don't just blame him Honey. Blame me too. Hate me! Yell at me! Beat me up! But don't keep it looked up inside yourself until it eats you up."

He looked down in shame. Tears had been to flow again. "I found out about him... and Nari and... I-I-I didn't tell you. I... I have regretted making that mistake and have tried to repent for it so many times. I never wanted to put you in that position. It was because of my stupidity that you got hurt."

He looked me in the eyes. I could see that he was speaking the truth. He truly did regret everything. I wish I had never begun to blame him. It wasn't his fault. He was just as a victim as I was. "Did you know that I felt like my world was crumbling when you left? I tried so hard for 2 years and I... I couldn't do it. I felt as though I was dead. Like I had no reason to live. I tried to fold my feelings but it didn't work. That day kept haunting me and I never want you to be hurt by anyone else again. Seeing you crumble away almost into nothing, I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of me." He paused. He looked down at me and pecked my lips softly. He tangled his hands in my hair. He put on his award winning smile. Brushing his nose against mine gently, breathing in each others air, he said those words to me. Those words I had been wanting to hear for so long.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... I love you..."

My tears began to fall again. They cascaded down my cheeks in a never ending stream. Yes, he's an idiot. Yes, he's crazy. And stupid. But he's MY crazy, stupid idiot. And I hurt him. The one thing I promised never to do... as long as I lived. When I was getting on the plane at London, I had a choice. I could go back and try to move forward, trying to live through everyday, or... I could leave my past behind and restart with a new name and life. No guess which one I chose. It was agony for me to leave England. It was one of the hardest decisions that I ever made. I couldn't be selfish anymore. It was my selfishness that caused me to hurt my family, my friends, him. I thought that if I give up on myself then they'll be safe. I wouldn't have to worry about them. They'd be better off without me, right? It was selfish of me for wanting to fall in love. It was selfish of me to want to be happy. To want to be free.

I left my heart in England. If this foolish heart of mine was going to keep getting hurt and cause destruction then it was better for me to remove it from my being. The year leading up to the biggest move of my life, I was being tortured. I felt as though my heart was breaking in a million pieces repeatedly. I cried myself to sleep. I felt like my whole world was crumbling. Like I was being sucked into an eternal vortex and no matter how much I cried for help or for someone to save me, no-one answered me. My heart was bleeding, aching. I was crumbling into nothingness. I was being haunted by the reminiscence of that day. I saw Jun Seo everywhere. I kept asking him why he did that to me, why he hurt me. I loved him and I gave everything to him. He used to just sneer and mouth to me 'did you really think I loved you?' Then I'd see him leave with her in his arms and abandon me.

I had to say those words to him. I couldn't let Jun Gi go again. I left him once. That was enough torture for me. I'm going to be selfish just this once. Just one last time.