Killing Chris

The funeral

     Arizona was the type of girl that texted you after she made jokes about you, letting you know that she was just kidding and that she's sorry. Arizona was an environmentalist and she cared deeply about everyone. I didn't know her that well, but even after all these years, I remember the blatant kindness she showed me even when there was no reward. In a way, I really cared for her, or maybe more the idea of her. She made Lake incredibly happy and he loved her... and now she's was gone. I once heard a quote that has remained in my heart for all this time. It reminds of Arizona and Derek, so much love in this world for them to be taken away so soon. The quote reads "I poured my soul into the dust by loving a man who was soon to die as if he would live forever" (St. Augustine).

I loved Derek as he would live forever but unfortunately, no one lives forever, not by name, not by story, and not even by things you've done. When we die we become remnants of great stories. No story is good enough to be told forever, at least not yet. Arizona's funeral was a couple of days later and Margo finally surfaced publically to provide support for Lake. Any of us would've done it for the others, when we need each other most we are always there. Not even the direst circumstances changed that.

Lake was a wreck, he blamed himself because he went up the ladder before her. Is it fair to judge someone on a decision they made in their worst moment? Lake had survivors guilt... Like Laurie Strode or Tommy Jarvis. But he wasn't at fault for Arizona's death... many years later id finds out that I was the cause of Arizonas death, not immediately, but indirectly. As the killer racks up bodies I feel like my only entires are giving the killer the recognition he clearly wants, that being said for this chapter I won't be talking about the death of a new victim but rather the people left right now, in this moment. The killer was yet to do his worst so all of me was still there, I may have been held together by a frayed piece of tape but I was still together.

At Arizona's funeral, Lake said some words in her name, through tears he spoke at her as if she was still alive. As he described her as a very accomplished person and a kind soul Margo and I held hands standing around her grave. Margo cried when Lake described their love story and how much he would miss her, he said how he loved her with so much of his heart that there was none of it left for anyone else. Lake spoke beautifully for Arizona who seemed to be the true love of his life. After the funeral, Margo and I drove Lake home because he was in no shape to drive. Margo and I stayed with Lake when we got to his house, Lakes parents had gotten cameras installed on the outside of their house for protection.

Lake laid in his bed sobbing and margo and I just sat with him, for some odd reason when the three of us were together I felt safe. As a child, I didn't really have the best home life. My parents both struggled with addiction to alcohol severely. I didn't get to chose my family and I never had a normal family but when I was with Lake and Margo I felt like I had finally got the family I deserved... the family I always wanted. to fully care about other people you first must care about yourself. My parents didn't even respect themselves let alone care what happened to them. I know they loved me the best they could but sometimes someone else's best just isn't good enough. Lake was the second most intelligent person I know but he was overwhelmed with grief and regret.

Lake screamed into his pillow continuing to cry and then sat up and saying "Why is this happening to us? What did we do?"

That was the billion-dollar question, what would anyone have to do to deserve this. I know now that the reason the killer did all this was kinda like the decision lake made to go up the ladder first. The killer had decided to wreak this havoc in his/her worst moment. Maybe the decisions we make in our worst moments show us who we really are, or maybe they are the decisions we make when we are backed into a corner desperate for a way out. I'll never know... but I hope someone someday figures it all out.

Margo answered the question Lake asked "Lake I know the pain just feels unbearable now but your gonna get through this I promise"

That seemed to be a bad approach to comforting him because I remember so perfectly the rage he fell into at that moment. He stood up and screamed that he had no idea what it really felt like and he and Margo weren't the same because Margo didn't really love her mom but he really loved Arizona. he then went on to say that Margo didn't know how to love, she wasn't capable of feeling that emotion so she just mimicked it. Margo teared up but didn't cry, she was holding them back because she really did know how much pain he was in. There's no doubt in my mind that loss is the greatest pain that can be felt. Margo, calmly, turned and walked out of Lakes room grabbing her coat from the bed as she left. Lake looked and me and is eyes were noticeably swollen and he just looked broken.

I went home about an hour after Lake unloaded on Margo and I was texting her the whole time. She seemed alright but you can make anyone feel anything from the opposite side of a screen. I was never really good at expressing my emotions, I could write them down, but I never had the words for them. Still even writing them down I only managed to capture the full range of the fear I felt. I didn't just feel the fear though, it was if fear itself was the roots of a tree and all the branches of the tree were a different way it is felt. I felt like I had a piece of whatever fear was like it lived with me in my body.

My main fear wasn't the killer though. It was a feeling the killer could force upon me. Death, loss, sorrow among the things I had never experienced in that magnitude. We all belong to death though in away. I know death isn't a quantifiable object but were all slowly moving toward it the whole time we are alive. We were made to die, that's a cruel world. As I approached death I would make a head-on collision with a different entity. Madness.

Chris logged off