Killing Chris

No Roads Ahead

I got up the next morning feeling a new sense of the word fear. We can call it anticipatory fear, or fear of what could happen. On the outside I acted normal, going about every day with a smile on my face interacting with other patients. But inside...I was rotting, every day it became harder and harder to act normal because I knew at any moment the police would kick in the front doors of the hospital and drag me away, to a place far colder than this.

The day after Moe's death I found it absolutely imperative that I meet with Skippy to find out why he lied. So when I woke up I went to his room early in the morning the sun barely over the horizon. I knocked on his door firmly and he answered rubbing his eyes. When he saw me he backed away from the door and sat back on his bed, back against the wall.

"Why Skippy...Why did you lie?" I asked

"Chris please I don't want you to hurt me" He begged

" I don't want to hurt you I just want to understand...please," I said collapsing on the ground in an attempt to show him I was drained of any energy I had to beat the life from him.

He dropped down and crawled across the floor to me and put his hand on my shoulder 

"Chris we were actually never together, I offered cards many times but you've never said yes. I asked you to play cards last night but after you said no I didn't see you again until Dr. Green's office." Skippy replied

I sat for a second thinking in silence, trying my hardest to connect the dots but failing. I couldn't have done this. I remember playing cards with Skippy like it really happened. What does Skippy gain by lying to me? He's always been good to me.

"Are you sure?" I asked him one last time in hopes he'd feel sympathetic and tell me what I wanted to hear.

"Yes, Chris I'm sorry...You really don't remember what happened last night do you?" he asked

I brushed his hand off my shoulder and stood up

"I don't feel so good I better be going" I called out as I walked out of his room. I immediately went for the bathroom and hurled everywhere. I was so sick at the thought of Moe dying by my hand that it made me physically ill. 

Every day after that was like I was standing on the gallows with the rope around my neck just waiting for the executioner to pull the lever and snap my neck. Each morning in spite of the fear buildup I still got up, I still went to group, I still talked to Rhys. I tried to convince myself that every day that passed was a day closer to me escaping the blame for Moe's death...but that wasn't true. Quite the opposite actually, the hospital security was conducting an investigation into the matters. It took two weeks for my fear to quickly harder into reality. it was a peaceful morning I woke from my bed to find that Rhys had already gone for breakfast so I went to the cafeteria. 

As I approached the cafeteria I noticed something strange, it was late enough but the halls were empty. Confused I continued to the cafeteria with caution, When I got to the door I showed my I.D card to the guard in the little booth and he held the radio up to his mouth. I pushed my I.D against the glass and pointed to it and he didn't even respond. Some part of me knew what was about to happen but I let myself hope that It was all in my head. The hysteria was at the wheel putting little seeds in my head that would grow to be delusions. I stared at the man shrugged and then turned to walk back toward my room when a door flung open.

The cafeteria door flung open and Dr. Green and a man I hadn't recognized stepped into the hallway. As the cafeteria door swung closed behind them I saw people at the tables eating their food. They probably planned to keep me outside the cafeteria so the least amount of people could see what was about to happen.