Killing Chris

The Pond

What I told you all in the last entry may still be a little confusing. That's okay because I've only given you the dots, I'm yet to connect them. When the events at the pond are revealed it will all make sense, all dots will be connected and you'll be left with only the truth. The first dot in this connect the dots game is some family history.

My parents never wanted twins, one child was always expected and wanted but the second or the 'runt' was unexpected and unwanted. I was told many times throughout my childhood that there's only so much love a person can give, too bad for me my parents gave it all to the other twin. So when I had the chance to trade identities with my twin I took it, can you blame me.

When I came into this world I was immediately unloved and unwanted. As a kid, the feeling of love and belonging are the two most vital components of growth, both of which I was missing. My mother used to ask God why he gave them me, she asked over and over what they did to deserve me, like I was some kind of demon. It wasn't that my parents were just plain spoiled on the inside but they were financially struggling at that moment in their life. You see, they had planned the bills for mone child but not two...not me. Too bad for me I was the second twin brought into this world.

At birth, my twin was given the name Chris and I was given the name Hughie. In my parent's eyes Chris could do no wrong, he won spelling bees, he was good at sports, he was smart. As my parents poured their love and affection into Chris he began to grow into a good person. As Chris grew, I withered, like a plant with no sun. Every chance they got my family would remind me that I was not wanted, that I was here because my parents had bad luck. So when I had the opportunity at the pond I took it... who can blame me, I was so young. Maybe you would've even done the same thing.

Many years ago

"Hughie are you up?" Chris asked from the bottom bunk

I peaked my head over the side of the bed and replied

"Ya I'm up"

"Mom and dad said today was a swimming day, they will probably be asleep for a while let's get a head start," Chris said holding up his favorite swim trunks for me. 

I grinned and climbed down the ladder, my heart racing with excitement. My swimsuit had still been packed away so Chris let me borrow his favorite trunks. We flew out of the cabin racing for the pond. The pond was a massive oval, probably covered three properties worth of land. I don't know at which point a pond is classified as a lake but that pond was certainly in the gray area. 

"Let's play catch and get all hot before we get in" Chris proposed

"Okay," I said picking up the football.

"Go deep" I called out as if I was an NFL quarterback in a close game.

Chris ran and ran and I winded up to throw. I threw the ball with all my might to try and reach Chris and I did but not where I wanted to. The ball came down and hit Chris in the back as he ran. Chris stumbled and put his hand on his back.

I ran over to Chris and said "You forgot to turn and look for the ball"

Chris looked at me with hate in his eyes and he yelled "No wonder mom and dad didn't want you, everyone hates you! you can't do anything right!"

I stood in front of him with tears in my eyes and I went and sat down on the beach and cried. I remember wishing that I had been adopted or never born. I only wanted to feel like someone loved me. Chris loved me...When he needed someone to play with, I was too young to distinguish back then. I cried on the beach for about ten minutes when I decided I was going back to bed till our parents woke.

On my walk back to the cabin I felt a hand on my back and I turned. 

"You don't have to go tell on me...I'm sorry I said some mean things... can we just forget it and just go swim...Please?" Chris said 

I was never going to tell on him but because he thought I was he was being nice. Even that young I realized what he was doing. So Chris and I went swimming, just as the story goes. 

"Woah it's warm," I said as I pushed my hands through the water trying to keep my head above the water. 

Chris and I laid on our backs in the middle of the pond and just floated there for a second. It was so quiet at that pond...so peaceful. As I floated Chris collided with me softly and he yelled "Tag your it" 

Chris swam away as fast as he could, and I followed him. We played several rounds of tag before it happened.  As I swam toward Chris at full speed he suddenly stopped swimming. When I reached him I quickly noticed something was wrong. His face had turned red and he was flailing around in the water. He reached out to me and mouthed the words help me.

But I didn't, not because I couldn't have but because I didn't want to. As he struggled on the surface of the pond the life drained from his eyes and his body submerged...Never to be found. I waded on the water's surface for several minutes contemplating what I'd done. When my moment of weakness passed I dove under the water looking for Chris. 

I searched for what felt like an hour diving deeper under the water to save my twin from a cold dark resting place. I never found him. I left the water and walked up to the cabin defeated, ashamed, and so full of regret and sadness I couldn't take it. I stood outside the back door of the cabin and I collapsed onto my knees. 

I cried so hard like I never had before. I wasn't crying because I was sad though. I was crying because I was in so much pain it felt like I had died. every minute I cried on that yard was another minute I felt I was closer to dying...but I didn't, It only felt like I was dying and I guess it's the feeling of emotions that makes us alive.

My parents woke up from my screaming and crying and they rushed outside to find me on the ground crying. But you see, I wasn't wearing my swim trunks. Chris had lent me his favorite pair that morning. when my parents saw me that assumed I was Chris. At the moment I understood what it felt like to be loved and cared for. My mom rushed to my side and scooped me up, holding me.

"Chris what happened?" my mom asked, squeezing me tightly in her warm arms as if she was scared I would shatter like glass when she let go. 

It was right then I decided I didn't wanna be Hughie anymore, I wanted to be loved...I wanted to be Chris. Chris died that day in the pond, and only I...Hughie was left. but the opportunity to trade lives with Chris arose and I couldn't... Wouldn't turn it down.

I pointed to the pond and between sobs mumbled "Hughie went under the water and he didn't come back up" 

Chris Logged Off