Killing Chris

Convenience

To start this entry I wanna propose a question that I myself spent years trying to answer only to get lost on the road to enlightenment. What happens to your soul when you go mad? We often hear stories about what happens to our souls when we die but I've never heard anything addressing how madness affects that. Horrible behavior spoils your soul, good behavior cleans it. Does the labyrinth of madness trap your soul in place or is death the final release from madness? 

I would like to propose to you the reason I am really here, in this psychiatric hospital. I propose it is not to make me better but it is a method at attaining convenience. It is convenient to shove all the mentally ill people into a hospital where they cannot leave. it is convenient to send us here and forget about us, telling yourselves you are doing what's best for us. When in reality we were really sent here because the people at home didn't know what to do with us, or how to react around us. So just for one second, I want you to do the non-convenient thing and thing about my situation, do you believe this is the best place for people like me?

Well...anyway we pick up the story right where we left off. I left Dr. Greens' office in shock after hearing the cause of my episode was because of a visit from a man under my old name...Hughie. If only I could remember what happened Id know where all the pieces go in this last puzzle. I walked back to my room feeling like I was on another planet. Like I was watching my body from above. Every day my life felt more and more fake. As I counted my numbered days it became increasingly difficult to distinguish what was real.

I sat in a group, I sat in my room, I ate, I slept, and then I did it all over again. Occasionally I get a rush of joy right in the morning when I forget who I am just for one second. When I arrived back to my room it was empty, I knew it was because everyone was at the cafeteria but I didn't feel like eating much nowadays. Instead, I decided I was going to write a letter. A letter to which I addressed to my parents. You could say that the letter was a cry for help, a plea for release. As I wrote my attention as diverted to the noise of the door opening.

Surprisingly Moe walked in. I wouldn't say it was a pleasant surprise but it definitely wasn't unpleasant because I lacked basic social nourishment. 

"Hi Chris" Moe smiled standing in the doorway.

"Hey Moe, I'm actually pretty busy right now if you don't mind" I replied nodding my head at the door.

"Oh ya of course I just came to let you know that Rhys was looking for you in the cafeteria he said it was an emergency" With that she closed the door and went back to her room.

Or so I thought.

For a second I tried to ignore the fact that Rhys needed me urgently, but as I pushed the idea to the back of my mind it floated back up to the front begging to be noticed. Frustrated I turned the letter over on my desk and walked to the cafeteria. 

Rhys sat right at the front table with two guys I hadn't met before. When he saw me he stood up and ran over to me.

"It worked! I asked Moe to lie to try and get you to eat something. You haven't eaten in exactly twenty-eight hours and if you die I could get a really dangerous roommate as your replacement" Rhys said winking at me. 

I walked over to the lunch line and the cook gave me a little slide of super hard bread...You know the kind you get at Panera that is so hard you could break a window with. I help it up to Rhys and super sarcastically smiled at him. He just stared back and I started back for my room. 

"Hey, Chris wait up," A familiar voice yelled from behind me.

I turned to see Skippy trotting toward me. 

"Wanna come back to my room and play cards, I got cards as a reward from Dr. Green today!" He asked excitingly.

"No sorry, Im too stressed out to be able to enjoy a game right now" I sighed 

"Cmon please, out of all the crazy people here I want to play with you" He frowned flashing a babyface.

"Fine but only a few games," I responded.

If only I had gone back to my room that night, maybe a body wouldn't have been found lying in my bed. The murder could've been totally disconnected from me if it happened anywhere else in the hospital but it had to happen right in my bed. If only this time had been a dream. As the blood from the lifeless corpse seeped onto the floor of my room I sat with Skippy playing a children's game... Uno. 

Of course, once we got playing and I got into it I didn't want to stop playing. Often a common side effect of letting people tempt us with fun things we shouldn't be doing. That night was so perfect, so innocent until the first body dropped. I wouldn't even realize till late at night, the time of night I wasn't supposed to be out of my room. I finished the last round of Uno smoking Skippy so badly he decided to put the cards up for the night. 

I thanked him for a good night and walked the halls back to my room with a smile on my face. Just a taste of being a kid again had my veins coursing with excitement and joy. Which of course all faded the second I got back to my room and realized there was a bleeding corpse on my bed. But who was it? Well, it could've been anyone, maybe it was Rhys, after all, he lives in this room too. It could've been Cayetana, Moe, or even Dr. Green. 

The first question when I tell you someone died is always oh my god who is it. But never oh my god how did it happen. As if the destination is more important than the journey. I'll share with you the journey part...As soon as I know. I didn't get back to my room directly after leaving  Skippys room though, I ran into a little bit of trouble on my way home. As I snuck down the halls Dr. Green grabbed my arm from behind and pulled me to him.

"What are you doing out of your room, where are you coming from?" Dr. Green asked

If only I had learned my lesson from all the examples I have from the past of why it's important to tell the truth. but it's fair to say that I never learn.

"I came from my room, I've been there all night I just felt sick so I went to Skippy's room to see if he had any of that ginger ale left...it always helps settle my stomach," I said putting my hand on my stomach as if I was in pain. 

He let go of my arm and nodded.

"Very well you better get back then, I expect no more stops on the way." He commanded

I nodded and walked briskly back to my room, making it all the way back this time. I pulled the door open slowly to avoid waking Rhys from his sleep. I crept over to my bed In the darkness and set my hand on the bed reaching to take my shoes off. But instead of the comfort of my covers, my hand felt something wet. I immediately put my other hand down assessing the damage I thought to be a spill. 

When I felt an arm I knew I was in deep shit.

"Rhys wake up!" I yelled but no answer.

I ran over to the light switch and flicked it on. The lights buzzed for a second and then flicked on. A body lay lifeless in my bed. Blood dripping off the side of the bed. A hole cut out in the chest area and the victim's heart removed, only to be placed in their dead hands. If you recall, a kill I have seen before during the night of homecoming. It dawned on me how much I had changed since then. The first thing that went through my head when I found the body wasn't oh my god someone dead. It was, oh my god I'm gonna get blamed for this. 

Of all the people who could have been laying lifeless on my bed, the innocent Moe met her end. For reasons not yet explained it was her time. Or maybe it wasn't her time but instead, her rope was cut early. But don't be sad, from the day we are born our body is rotting towards the inevitable stone-cold death. 

unfortunately for me, when I tried to explain to Dr. Green that I hadn't killed Moe he asked the simple questions that locked me in a bad position.

"Why did you tell me you had been in your room all night when I ran into you in that hall?" 

Hearing that was like a sword to the heart. Or like the average intelligent student realizing they forgot to turn in a lab that was due five minutes ago. It was a sudden but strong wave of regret I felt that night. 

With my fate hanging in the balance, I'll have to finish this part of the story in the next entry.

Chris Logged Off