Killing Chris

Poisonous mentality

     It took a lot of explaining for Dane to talk to me again. I had to tell him the story... the whole story. Telling the story allows the past to live inside me. Seeing Dane reminded me of my past. After the first two weeks of classes, I had made sure to distance myself from my classmates. I was doing a good job besides with Dane. As Dane and I got closer I felt more guilty because I knew what was going to happen, I couldn't let him get there. You know, the point when an acquaintance gets let in, they walk right through your mental defenses and you break down your walls to let them in.

I was going crazy in those first weeks of college, I felt it. reality felt fragile like my attachment to it was hanging on by a thread and any event could severe my connection. I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I haven't lost my mind I said to myself over and over again. It's true though... I wasn't crazy then. there's no doubt in my mind that my bolts aren't loose now. Don't worry ill get you to the end of the story no matter how nuts I get. My mind was poisoned and the poison grew stronger as I distanced myself from the social light. I was starved, not of attention but emotions. I wanted to feel happy when Dane and I did something fun, I wanted to be angry when Dane makes a dumb decision, and however ironic it was I wanted to feel sad. I wanted to feel again so I thought if I only let Dane in then the casualties could be controlled since its only one person. Who knew the person he needed to be protected from was me.

From then on out I decided that if I didn't make friends with Dane then I wasn't going to make it through college. I just thought about how easy it would be if I didn't have to get up every day and go through another day of suffering. How much easier it would be to just give up. But no... I couldn't do that, My best friends lost their lives and they wanted to live. Id felt like I was wasting something they didn't get to have. I started to go to the sand volleyball courts every week with Dane and watch movies at night when we got back to our dorm. 

I know I promised that I wouldn't make friends, but I didn't have a choice. Dane and I had gotten really close the weeks we spent together after I punched him in the face. Not in a boyfriend way but in a best friend way, I didn't even tell him I was gay because it never came up. Everything was going great, I had finally got the social interaction I needed to want to live. Then it all spoiled when a girl down the hall was founded gutted by the R.A. Dane and I ran out of our room and looked down the hall as the victim's body was found. I ran down the hall scared of the exact thing I was about to see.

Allison, the girl who died, was laying on her bed lifeless with a vertical cut that was from her neck to her waist. On the wall, spelled out in blood the words "I'm back...bitch". The campus police were there in minutes and they cleared our hall. As I stood outside Dane stared at me realizing what was happening. 

"Chris this is bad," Dane said 

"Somebody is dead of course this is fucking bad" I snapped back

 I knew that he just didn't know what to say so out of fear he just said something. When I was questioned y the police I told them I didn't know what it meant and the message wasn't for me. I also purposely left out the fact that the killer was back when my mom called for a checkup the next day. I started to see the killer in the days after I knew he was back. As paranoia took the reins I was disconnected towards Dane, absent almost. As I got closer to discovering the truth I grew more and more obsessed about who the killer was.

At the end of part two of the story, you will find out who the killer is I promise. But the bulk of the story needs to be lived from my perspective at the time of each event. I wanted to know who disguised themselves as death and claimed the lives of my friends but I didn't get that. The campus was shaken, Allison's ex-boyfriend was arrested and charged for her murder. The last bit of hope I had left convinced me that it was really her ex and the message was meant for someone else. I let myself feel relieved. 

As I sit here in my house so many years later with no friends to call, no family to call. I thought to myself about what the moment was when my life had gone to shit. But in reality, it didn't matter, the only important thing is that its this way because of my mistakes. I finally decided to write this story because I need someone to know that I'm not crazy. I didn't just go crazy and I need you at least to believe me. My parents were killed two weeks ago today and all these people are dying because of me and all I can think about is continuing the story from when I was in college. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to finish this story all the way up until the bitter end and when I'm done writing it I'm letting go.

Letting go of the life I have here as it is no longer for me. Wherever I go next whether it be heaven, hell, or to non-existing I know death won't be able to follow me there. As my mind gets worn down I believed less and less of the person I had become. Not only a victim of a killer but also a killer myself. When Dane died in my senior year of college I decided to drop out of college, it wasn't just a horrible night of my life because he died but also because... I made a terrible decision that night. No matter how I tell the story I won't avoid the judgment and the despair you feel towards me. Hopefully, when I get to the part of the story when I stabbed Dane to death you'll understand at the bare minimum why I had to do it. I loved Dane, I promise, but the fire was lit and his fate had been sealed the night he met me. I knew it and I ignored it and now when I end it all, I end it all as a killer.

Chris logged off