Killing Chris

Calling

Four days until thanksgiving

Night gave way to morning once more and I found myself reset in the same cycle. I stepped over my cousin's sleeping bodies in the living room as I made my way to the mudroom. You know the little room in your house that's right when you enter the door, where kids pile their shoes in the center of the room like mountains which are destined to trip you. I stepped out into the frosty morning air and pulled my hood up. 

I hadn't had a destination really, I was just going for a walk so I could be with my own thoughts even for just a little. I spent so much of my young life trying to keep parts of myself in cages, to be the person other people needed me to be. The thing about cages is they only ever work for so long, as age wears them down it presents a perfect opportunity for the captive to escape. Whatever escapes from that cage is gonna be pissed as hell, when my cage broke I was in the right place to pick up the pieces.

Im not saying the mental hospital was a good place at all but I can't think of a better place to have a mental breakdown. The best part is there's no one there you care about to witness it, so for everyone else in the world that matters it never happened. I was finally beginning to treat the side-effects of my illness rather than trying to hide it. When the hallucinations set in I practiced a set of calming techniques I had learned from Dr. Green which seemed to work recently. 

I counted my steps as I walked from my house, my breath visible in the air. I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a room, a small room, and the sides of the room were blazing with roaring fire... Constant chaos. Life was never just as easy as living it, everyone knows that. We all fight every single day to be where we are and it only hurts worse to judge ourselves on how we got there.

I walked my city block three or four times before my knees started to hurt and I decided to head back to the house. It amazed me that I could be more lonely surrounded by a group of people than when I was by myself. I guess they just reminded me of how much different I was from them...Isolated.

I grabbed my front door and opened it slowly to avoid waking anyone up. I closed the door and took two steps into the kitchen when my mom came running at me from the living room.

"Oh my god there you are!" She yelled crying 

My uncle stood behind her on the phone with my dad "He just got home...Come home"

"Wh...What's wrong?" I asked 

"You were gone for three hours Chris, without your phone...God damn it! You cant do that!" She yelled covering her face with her hands.

"Sorry I needed some fresh air...Im fine" I assured her.

I walked to my room and she yelled from the kitchen,

"Oh and Chris...Someone called for ya"

When I heard her I stopped in my tracks turning toward her thinking. Oh no...It was him.

"Did they leave a name?" I asked 

"Umm, ya she said her name was Clarke, seems like a nice young lady. College friend?" my mom asked

"Ya...something like that" I replied 

I changed out of my sweaty clothes and I ran down the stairs excited. The thought of talking to Clarke again made my heart race. Helping her escape was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. I slid into the kitchen approaching my mom.

"She leave a number?" I Asked smiling in front of her.

"No she just asked me if you could call her back on the same number whenever you got home" She nodded flipping a pancake in the pan

I ran to the home phone and dialed the most recent number. It rang....rang...rang...

"Hello...?" A voice said over the phone. I could tell it was Clarke, her voice was very...unique.

"Clarke...Its Chris. how are you! What country did you end in! What are you doing with your life these days" I continued, relentlessly chatting.

"Chris... I stayed with Derek after we broke out. We ended up in Louisiana. It was good for a while but it turned bad and I didn't know who else to call." She said 

"How'd you get my number?" I asked

"I saw on the T.V you were released from Prison? Step up for your career as a criminal. I called Rhys after and asked him to get your home phone number from the front desk... But that's not why I called. Derek...Derek is dead." She said bluntly

"Wait, Clarke...How?" I asked in shock 

"Chris he...Killed himself last night" She responded

"Clarke...I" I stopped hanging up the phone suddenly.

I stumbled back into the wall placing my forehead against the wall. I started to breathe heavy. It suddenly became hard to breathe. I found myself wishing I had never heard from her, it only made me feel worse. They were the ones who got away from it all, they were supposed to live happy lives. They were the best-case scenario for patients in a nuthouse and Derek...Killed himself. It just made me feel hopeless that I could change my future.

Even now, years later I remember the feeling of when Clarke ripped the bandaid off and told me of his death. I didn't even know what to do with myself. I added to to the weight I was already carrying and I kept moving. I didn't like Derek from the mental hospital anyway after he betrayed me. I couldn't get caught up on this, so I pushed it down. So far down it was like a small child at the bottom of a deep ravine, screaming into the void to be heard but no one ever did. 

Three Days till Thanksgiving

Were getting closer no, with every waking day. I started the day the same way, with a walk. Only this time I brought my phone so my mom didn't have a stroke again. I know what you're wondering, If I'm so scared to die by the killer then why am I going for walks by myself for long periods of time. Well fear not, the only time the killer shows up in this sequence of the story is the thanksgiving day.

I tried desperately to relieve my mind of the memory of Clarke's phone call but I couldn't. Somehow the screaming into the void was being picked up by my brain. It wasn't going to be ignored. I knew what would help me feel better but I knew it was going to be dangerous. I went to my room and plotted out my plan, careful to the exact detail. 

I walked downstairs to my parents who were watching a cartoon with my little cousins. 

"Ma, would it be okay if I met some of my friends from when I went to college, they are all home for break?" I pleaded nervously.

She looked at my dad and he took a deep breath looking at me 

"You think your okay to do that?" My dad asked.

"Ya I think this is gonna help me" He replied

"Can I have some money to buy lunch?" I asked holding my hand out.

My dad slapped a twenty into my hand and I walked outside. My uber pulled up and I jumped in.

"Red Sparrow Psychiatric Hospital please"

The car started and it only stopped once we arrived. I jumped out of the car and asked the driver to wait while I talked to my friend. Here I was once again...Standing at the tall oak doors of the cage I freed myself from. It was like this place would always own a piece of me that I needed to move on, I could never really free myself from it.

I sat down realizing the irony of me sitting there on the couch, not a patient this time. I waited on the couch until I saw him round the doorway and enter the visiting area.

"Why the fuck are you back here?" Rhys asked genuinely confused.

"Clarke called...Derek killed himself" I blurted out 

"Jesus, couldn't start with an "I missed you Rhys" Had to jump right into the heavy shit huh?" He replied snarkily.

"It's bad Rhys...I can't... be him anymore"

Chris Logged off