instagram - shawn mendes / jack gilinsky

f i f t y - t h r e e - r e a l i t y

I had been waiting anxiously for Shawn to return to the hotel room for over an hour, so when he did, I immediately jumped off the bed and met him at the door.

"Bub, what's up, please talk to me," I said hurriedly, following him back to the bed. I hoped I didn't seem clingy but I was really worried about him.

He had a sad look in his eyes, and I could tel that he had been crying. "Nellie, I'm sorry," he said, his voice almost a whisper.

"Don't be sorry, bub, I was just worried," I said, wrapping my arms around him.

He shook his head and pulled away from me a little bit, causing me to furrow my eyebrows. "Shawn?"

"Nellie," he said, and I watched a tear fall from his eye. I couldn't stand watching this. "Nellie, I need to break up with you."

My heart felt like it shattered into a thousand pieces and then exploded in my chest. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. "What?" I croaked. "Why? Did I do something wrong?"

Shawn shook his head. "No, Nels, you didn't do anything wrong," he said, wiping his eyes. "I just can't be with you."

"Why though? Did your manager tell you to do this?" I grasped to any possibility that maybe he didn't actually want to break up with me.

He shook his head.

"Do you just not love me?"

This time he didn't do anything, he just sat in silence, wiping his tears.

"You don't love me," I said, my heart aching. "If you don't love me, why are you crying?" I asked bitterly.

"Because I don't want to hurt you," he said quietly. "And I know I'm breaking your heart."

"Did you not mean it when you told me you love me? Any of those times?" I asked, tears streaming down my cheeks at this point.

He shook his head. "I did."

"Then what changed? Did I do something?" I asked.

"No, Nellie, you're perfect. You didn't do anything. I promise. But I have to do this and I'm sorry I have to hurt you like this. I never ever want to hurt you," he cried.

"Congrats, Shawn," I said sadly, standing up. "You've completely broken my heart."

I walked over to where all of my clothes were and shoved them all into my duffel bag. I left out a pair of sweats and a large hoodie that belonged to Gilinsky, as well as some underwear. I walked past Shawn again to go to the bathroom, tear still streaming. I closed the door firmly and threw my clothes on the floor. I looked in the mirror. I looked awful. I couldn't stop crying, and I hated every second of everything I was doing as I got changed. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub after I had gotten dressed, and pulled my phone out. I booked a flight for myself back to LA as soon as I could, meaning I would have to leave the hotel very soon. Shoving my phone in my pocket, I approached the sink again. After brushing my teeth, washing my face (although I was still crying) and packing all of my toiletries, I grabbed everything and exited the bathroom. I shoved everything but my phone into the duffel bag, laced my shoes on, and picked up the bag.

"I'm leaving, Shawn," I said to him, and he just nodded.

I stood for a second, just looking at him one last time before I left. "This hurts, Shawn," I whispered to him. "But I love you."

I walked out of the room giving everything I had not to look back at him as I left.

I got an uber to the airport, where I sat now, waiting to board the airplane. I had texted Gilinsky already to let him know what happened and ask him to pick me up at the airport when I got back.