He was sad.
Most of the time he'll just glance through the window, glancing down at all the things he missed during his childhood.
He was lonely.
Not a single visitor, not a single person coming to visit him and ask if he was okay.
But that was norm...
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"Don't try and fix something that can't be fixed. I'm a dead engine and you just stand there, telling me I just need to some more gas."
R O D E R
"Your not a monster." The girl from earlier grab my hand as her voice crack from the emotions that she tried to hold back.
It seem I was thinking out loud again.
"What the fuck do you know?" I hiss at her, ripping my hands out of her grip before Ms. Sage rush in the room.
She just stare at me terrify — speechless, as her mother pull her away from me.
"Alazne!" Ms. Sage call her daughter "This is not who I met when I told you to socialize with the patients!" She point at me like I was a disease, before rushing her daughter out the room.
Ms. Sage stare at me worriedly like if she was scared herself to be around me.
I turn my gaze through the window, glancing down at the park in front of the hospital — where all the children gathered to play.
"I'm sorry about that Roder —"
"I told you already about that fucking name!" I spat, quickly turning back to Ms. Sage who stood holding on to the door for dare life.
"I'm sorry," She apologize, clearing her throat as she approach me, sitting on the edge of my bed as she watch me.
"What would you like me call you then?" She ask, her blue eyes soft yet held nothing but pity.
Everyone I knew — everyone I saw — had those eyes that just stare down at me with pity but no one ever wore them better then my mother.
I thought about it long and hard, trying to avoid eye contact with her, "Soon to be dead." Her eyes widen as her skin turn pale.
"Roder—" She stop after seeing my expression, shutting up intensely.
She sigh, "I can't call you that."
I nod, "Okay. Then worthless." She shake her head no.
I harshly glare at her even harder then I was before, "These names aren't going to get better."
She shrug, "Then you'd just have to stay with Roder until you think of a better one."
I bit my bottom lip, watching as she left the room with a small wave at me.
I lay back into my bed, staring at the roof as I waited patiently for it to drop down on me and kill me.
If that was even possible.
A tear slip down my cheek as I remember some of the moments when I was actually home.
I exhale in and out — thinking the memories are going to pass over.
Just like there always do.
The only problem was — this time, I didn't want it to hurt me.
Remembering all the faces my mother give me, the fear as she stare down at her own creation.
The baby she never thought would turn into a monster.
Fuck, I was a mistake.
Something that wasn't suppose to happen.
A slip, a error and something that didn't need to be on this earth.
I try my best to get out of this mindset — no, I wasn't a mistake I was made for a reason — but every time I said that, it just felt like a lie and the thoughts came down on me harder and given the fact I was trap in this hospital — unable to move around or get my mind off these thoughts — wasn't helping.
I laid there, "Just let me fucking die."
There's no point of living when your mind's already dead and ill.
When you can't be save.
When you can't even get out of bed.
Or maybe that's just how I saw it. Maybe there's hope, just not for me.
Death awaited me, and sure damn well his friend hell did too.
