OVER AND OVER AGAIN (LBS#1)

Chapter 22

Hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos dahil sa natanggap ko na letter at invitation card kagabi. There's a part of me where I want to go home to see my friends and loved ones again, but there's also a part of me that hates to go back.

"Hey, babe! What the hell are you thinking about?" Mukhang hindi na napigilan ni Josiah na tanungin ako dahil sa pagkatamlay ko at sa pagkawala ng gana ko ngayong araw. Sa mga lumipas na taon ay hindi na ako muling naging matamlay pagkatapos kong makaalis sa buhay ko doon. Josiah and the people here lighted up my world. They became my life for the past years and everything's in place. I know I'm happy here.
The back of Josiah's palm landed on my forehead, trying to check my temperature.
"You don't have a fever. Are you okay?" Nag-aalala niya na talagang tanong sa akin.

"ani, nan gwaenchanh-a." (No. I'm not okay.) I admitted to him honestly.

I'm this open with Josiah. I love how I can open up to him that fast and I'm really honest to him.

"Wae?" (Why?) He asked.

I heaved out a deep sigh before handing him the brown envelope.
I let him read the letter and minutes later we both looked at each other's eyes.
"naneun jib-e gago sipji anh-a." (I don't want to go home) nanghihina kong sabi.

"neoneun jib-e gal pil-yogaiss-eo." (You need to go home.) Mariin niya sabi sa'kin. Basta tungkol sa usaping ito, mabilis na nagiging seryoso si Josiah. Ang mapaglarong tingin niya sa'kin ay nawala na at tanging kaseryosohan niya ang bumabalot sa kanyang aura ngayon.

Napahinga naman ako ng malalim saka pinilit ang sariling maging masigla at pinakitaan ko siya ng ngiti na kita lahat ng ngipin.
"naneun-i gos-eul tteonago sipji anh-a." (I don't want to leave this place.) I told him. Of course. I need to make an alibi, so that I'll gain his support.

Gusto kong sabihin ni Josiah na susuportahan niya ako sa kung ano'ng gusto ko. Kung sasabihin kong ayaw kong bumalik ay susuportahan niya naman ako kung saan ako sasaya.
Pero alam ko namang hindi ganyan mag-isip si Josiah. Baliktad. Kung ano sa tingin niya ang nakabubuti sa'kin ay sinusunod ko. I feel like I need to trust him with my life, because he saved me. He became my lifeline for years and maybe without him, I wouldn't be here.
I would not gain the confidence I have right now to be on top.

"I know that's not the reason, Cresandria. There's more than that and I know what it is." He said it like he's really sure about what he is saying right now.

"Yeah." Mahina kong sabi.

Naiinis niyang pinasadahan ng kanyang dalawang palad ang kanyang napaka gwapong mukha.
And then after that he turned to me with so much seriousness in his expressive eyes.

"Cresandria," he began as he looked at me with so much care now. "I know you've been hurt and been scarred badly, but I want you to face this one. Now, it's seriously the best time to face your fears...to face him." He emphasized the last word, enough to sent shivers down my spine. Oh, enough! Don't think about him, Cresandria! You are not the same Cresandria anymore! You are the Cresandria Montevista version 2.0 now.

"Jos, I can't do it!" I whined like a child.

Napailing-iling naman siya. "You can do it, trust me." He told me and I immediately shook my head at what he said.

"I would go nuts if ever I'll get to see him!" I exclaimed while looking at the man in front of me pleadingly.

He sighed.
"I have a good news for you." Sabi niya at napatingin lang ako sa kanya, nagbabaka sakali parin na aprubahan niya ang kagustuhan kong hindi bumalik.